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I’ve done the in between stuff.

Not really dating but not completely over.

I’ve convinced myself that it was ok, that I could be that person that sacrifices the need for commitment for a few stolen moments in the night.

But I can’t do that with you. I can’t sacrifice 9 whole months of love, feeling like I’m the only one on your mind and knowing that you’ll always choose me. I can never ever sacrifice that for you and above all else for myself.

Maybe we saw each other too soon. I lied. I said I would be ok but I’m not. I just wanted to see you; in my own selfish way I wanted to see if I could convince you to choose me. But all I did was cause even more heartache for myself.

You can’t have me both ways, I can’t become “just friends” but then magically become the love of your life once more just because you feel like kissing me. Or touching me like you used to not even days before, or say my name with such fondness that it feels like you gave me the title.

I’ve been through this, but it hurts astronomically more with you because I actually believed we had a chance. It’s breaking me in half because I’m still completely in love with you.

You took half of me with you when you sent that text.

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The Difficult Perplexity that caused Distress

I would like to make a disclaimer for this post to say that I do not condone compromising your happiness to stay with someone that is toxic to your health. But I will say this: you do not choose to be mentally ill, it is out of your control sometimes. Disagree if you do, that’s ok I respect that, however I am an individual who at times does succumb to the struggles I have. I feel shame for this, and you must understand that your loved ones may feel ashamed as well for not being 100% ok all the time. While I understand you can only be patient for sometime I encourage you all to try and continue to love individuals and encourage them even on their worst days. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And to the person this post is for, I am sorry for disappointing you; you may say that I didn’t. But I know I did because I disappointed myself. I love you.

If you can’t love yourself how can you love someone else?

The very notion of this phrase stares me down and laughs at me; it tells me everyday that maybe I don’t deserve love, and I find that unfair.

Because everyday I wish, I pray my brain didn’t work the way it does. That I could read as many self help books, I could exercise and feel endorphins coursing through my veins, and somehow I would feel better.

I wish I could choose to be better, I wish that when I do choose it would stick. That it wouldn’t be a struggle some mornings to get out of bed and smile at a stranger. That it wouldn’t feel exhausting to eat or give myself basic care.

It’s easy for some. It’s so easy that you feel lazy. You feel like a bother, you feel like you don’t deserve to cry—to ask for a little more help. You feel disgusting, so unworthy. Pathetic.

I want to be better. I need to feel better. I feel like I’m screaming inside my head, screeching at the sky for some deity to rewire everything and make me new.

Sometimes I truly believe everyone would be better if I wasn’t me. If I was born with a completely healthy mind; one without baseless fears and paranoia, without the need for sensitivity, no gentle care needed the minute my fragility shows through.

Someone that didn’t need anyone. Someone that didn’t pretend that they were independent because the minute she would feel herself falter she could brush it away and smile.

But I can’t be her. I fucking wish I could, I wish more than anything in this entire world I could be that for everyone.

I wish it more than life itself.

So to answer the question, I can love others.

But I want so desperately to love myself, because that’s easier said than done.

“can I keep you?”

When I have nightmares I run to my mom’s room.

I’m almost 18 years old and I still go to my mom, it’s the most juvenile of secrets that I have; I creep in and she wordlessly makes room for me on the other side and says a small prayer while I drift off to sleep.

I turn on my lamp.

I’m afraid of the dark, always have been, and I probably always will be. The lamp is my security, the orb to ward off evil intentions.

I stay up.

I’ve been doing it since I was six, I stay up as late as I can to outrun the scary thoughts and make myself so exhausted that they are the furthest thing from my mind.

Last night I had a nightmare and I woke up in an unfamiliar place.

I ran to you. You were half asleep with your now darkened hair ruffled around, I poked and prodded in the dark until you made space for me next to you. You wrapped your arms around me and I could feel bare skin brushing against my cheek; the scandal of the situation brought me into a flustered, bashful state.

You turned the lights on. Just small ones because you know the shadows on the walls play tricks on my eyes so you whispered reassurances in my ear. You kissed my forehead because you know it makes me smile, I could feel your fingertips lazily picking up and putting down random strands of my hair.

You stayed up with me. In the following two hours we had honest conversations of where things will lead when we have to part. We reflected on the beautiful growth eight months of this relationship have given us. You listened to my fears about college and reminded me that I belong. You made me laugh, you always make me laugh; the side glances and sassy comments left my cheeks aching but I didn’t mind—I never mind.

I fell in love with you all over again. You make me realize the kind of life I want to have, that I can have. No matter what happens or how things go for us I want you in my life. I would love to have you in my life if you would give me the honor.

Thank you for letting me keep you.

What I’ve learned

1. You’re going to change your style every single year, it’s the key indicator of personal growth.

2. Friends aren’t jealous of friends. They celebrate others’ accomplishments not drown themselves in their own disappointments.

3. Love doesn’t hurt.

4. People notice happiness that you make for yourself, people will want to be near that. But don’t let them take it.

5. Own your talents.

6. Confidence doesn’t not equal cockiness.

7. People can say “I love you” and not mean it.

8. People enter your life in seasons for different reasons. It’s called ebb and flow.

9. Trust your gut. Always listen to intuition. Always.

10. Kindness and being nice are two different things.

11. People can try and tell you who you are, but most of the time they’re wrong.

12. Smile, laugh as loud as you can. Let them hear your joy.

13. Don’t forget to tell them you love them.

14. Life is so fucking fragile.

15. It’s ok to ask for help.

16. Do not let fear guide your life.

17. Talk. Say when something’s wrong, don’t bottle it up in a passive aggressive episode.

18. Lists are still really hard.

Forget me nots

I want to feel good again. I want the insecurities and scars of memories to leave my mind. I want to not constantly look over my shoulder for the bad times that always seem to creep in when things feel calm.

I want to forget the nights I’ve cried because I was stupid and didn’t see warning signs. I want to forget about the people that hurt me because I know I wouldn’t dare let it happen again.

I want to remember how beautiful I am. I want to remember how the curvatures of my body are something to be envied and that I don’t need to hurt myself to feel pretty. I want to get out of this endless loop of contemplating and complaining, of vexing accusations and void statements.

I have words for how I feel but I also have none. I have fear. Fear of what could be and fear of what isn’t said.

I am too precious to lose, I know that. But I also feel like this loss would be a breath of fresh air, that everyone would be better off.

Importance, a state of being that I don’t remember. I want to feel important I want to be important. I want to be the one.

I don’t want to be forgotten.

God Only Knows

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It’s been 2 months since I wrote on here last, and I have no regrets. You see, I don’t know what to write; I don’t know what you all would like to hear, what stories I should tell. But I’ve missed it, I’ve missed sharing my thoughts onto a keyboard and letting the words take off while I zone out into a comfortable silence.

When I last wrote on here I said this world lacks love, now I look back and I realize what I truly meant; this world lacks empathy. In the place I live in people are so entitled, whether it be material or emotional–what they feel they deserve they will monopolize with no need for explanation. Everyone is guilty of this, no one is perfect, a simple flaw within the long list of humanity’s errors.

I feel like I’m different; I think I continuously look back and put myself into other shoes. I’m not entitled to anything but the happiness I create myself, and focusing on myself does not make me egotistical or rude. It gives me strength, a strength untouchable by sad individuals so crystalline you can see the tendrils of their heart writhing like an infestation. I feel sorry for them, but that’s their problem and not mine.

But onto more positive things; I’m still with my love, my lil’ chomper, my sunshine on a cloudy day. It’s been half a year and I still fall in love with something new each time I see him. Our ups and downs have been extreme I will admit, but nothing about us is toxic; it’s simply honest. It’s a real relationship, with real and normal issues you have to work through together. I think he doubts himself too much, he doesn’t understand that he’s the one I choose to trust; the one that knows my most vulnerable parts and never judges. I have never in my life been more comfortable with someone; he’s my best friend.

And I leave for college soon, I’m scared. But yet I am so ready to leave, to venture off into the world and find out who I was born to be. I will try to write more on here, I will try to convey how I am growing through not only my experiences but the way I describe them. I am thankful to those of you who have read my writing.

Happy reading 🙂

hello sunrise

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I used to use this blog as a support system. I used to divulge all the key details of my life and every intimate feeling I stumbled across on this screen.

Now I just tell them, I tell the people I love what they mean to me instead of sharing it out into cyberspace. I think I used this as a crutch, a way to indirectly share what I felt. But that isn’t real, that isn’t the way life is. Things are fleeting and you have to tell the people who matter to you their worth to their faces. Pour out your heart, let the vulnerable stares encapture you and lead you to utter bliss of the unknowing.

I grieve, I am grieving. But I am also celebrating. I’m 102 pounds of light now, a healthy weight, a good weight. One filled with happiness and adoration for what life has given me.

I wish no pain upon those who have hurt me, I truly don’t. I put up this facade like I’m hard and sharp but I am delicate; it is a trait I now wear proudly. My heart is gentle, it is big, it is forgiving and I am thankful.

In this harsh world we lack love; we lack an understanding of each other, but when we hold on to the good things—the beautiful things—how then can the grays of this earth reach us?

These are new colors, I have not seen them before; I quite enjoy them, I really do.