I don’t know what to type but um, I’m going to type out all that’s been going on in my head/life and see if that helps because I’m, something very wrong is happening.
There are three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth. Human memory likes to trick us, and memory is not at all perfect, so don’t try to recite a story and expect it to be 100% true and the only truth. When someone tells you you hurt them, you don’t have the right to say you didn’t; you don’t know in what way exactly you’ve hurt them because we weren’t made to perfectly articulate emotions.
I do not paint people out to be villains. Let’s get that straight. I tell my side of the story, you tell yours. But I only tell others my opinion, what I see, they have their own opinions and their own interpretations they make for themselves.
But I’m not hear to talk about that, I’m done. I know I’m a good person, I know I give people far more chances than I should and love them wherever they are in life. I don’t fucking give up on people and I hate that about myself.
So anyways, what’s been going on with me you ask? Good old paranoia, family lying to me and messing up my friendships, more mental and verbal abuse under my roof in the span of 3 days than ever in my life, and my personal fave my mother—my reason for breathing and the only reason I choose to breathe myself—threatening to leave my father for good. It’s lovely, it’s so enriching, it makes me wish I lived far away and didn’t have to breathe.
I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit this year, in every sense of the word. I’m not afraid to point out my flaws, I know I can be a fake bitch. Something I’ve been working on this entire summer; telling people what exactly inconveniences me, what they’re doing that hurts me instead of running around and telling others.
Because of this I’m increasingly aware of the fairness I let myself tolerate, that I contributed to. Gossiping about others, being nice to their faces and excusing that as being mature. It’s not being mature it’s being a fucking snake and I’m tired of excusing it.
Sometimes people bring out the best and worst in you, I noticed I would succumb to the gossip more and more around certain people and realized how detrimental it was to me. How unhealthy for both of us it was to feed into it all.
I wasn’t a good person this year, I know it. This year was the worst of my life, I hurt people with my actions and words because of my internal struggles although that is no excuse. But it was never my intention.
I try so hard to not be this evil bitch and yet it found its way out this year. But I’m not going to apologize for being flawed, I will apologize for taking it out on others.
I blocked you because I realized something chilling, after my sister told me the truth about what you said I realized it was easy for me to believe the lie because I have witnessed you say things about people but act like their best friend.
Dont try and deny, you did on this very day, you’ve said such mean spirited things about that girl but today I saw you acting as if you were friends just like you were when she was a freshman. You did the same when another girl got the role you wanted, said such mean things about her talent but smiled in her face when met in another show. So if you can do that and pull it off so easily how can I not be just a little bit suspicious that you would do the same to me?
I know you gave a lot in this friendship, I never asked you to do that and told you many times that it wasn’t necessary. What happened a few days ago was a complete misunderstanding with so many other layers that I can’t even begin to describe and I had to do an in depth reflection on this dynamic we have, or had if my deductions are correct.
You probably will scoff at this whole post, or see it as a superficial whatever and you know what? I don’t care. I’m being genuine, I wanted to talk things out and see if we can at least be aqquantinces; it seems like even that is a lost cause.
So I hope you have a good life, I hope you prosper in the future and whatnot. If you need me (which you probably won’t want or have no use for any longer) you know where to find me.
In all honesty I don’t want this to be the final episode of our little sitcom but, I guess this is goodbye.