Avec toi ça dure.

 

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I believe in soulmates.

Not in the traditional sense, not one person matching up with one out of this ever growing mass of people. No there are multiple soulmates for a person, I hold this near and dear to my heart, it’s a comfort really.

We change and grow all the time, there are different paths we can take, with each path there is an infinite amount of possibilities. Thus leading us to different people. Different soulmates for different periods in our lives. Who you are now will not be who you are 5 years down the line.

What you like or don’t like is always subject to change. Who’s to say the number of people you can ideally match with can’t change either?

I’ve met my soulmate for this time. This period right now in my life, and he is so beautiful. It’s different with him, I’m serious. I’ve said it before but I feel this time in my body, my soul—not just my mind.

We’re so alike it’s like I’m talking to myself sometimes, everything he is in itself is enchanting. He speaks to me and I hear it, I don’t just listen. I am not afraid of loving him, it feels right—natural—like I’m meant to be in his life. Just as he is in mine, flipping the world upside down with just a glance.

Who I was at the beginning of this month pales in comparison to now. I was so sad, wanting so badly to close my eyes and not ever open them again. Now the fire I had on my fingertips is igniting once more and I’m back to who I was in the summer, maybe even stronger actually.

I feel Fate’s  warm love seeping over me for the first time and I am so so grateful. How on earth did such a blessing stumble upon me?

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Why.

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You should’ve told me. I gave you every opportunity to confess even though the answer was right there the entire time, I was just hoping–praying–you wouldn’t hurt me like this. That you didn’t have the capacity to completely rip apart what little shreds of dignity I scraped along after him.

It’s not like December. Maybe in some raw form, but honestly if I take a clear look at the events of before and now, it’s day and night. You see, I had the courtesy, the respect, to be upfront about what happened between me and him. But you, you hid behind a fake facade of care and love to make yourself feel a little less guilty.

And I am hurting so much. This is to be expected from other people, people that we used to gawk and stare at incredulously; “How could someone do that” we’d ask each other “How can another girl sleep with her friend’s ex? They’re like sharing or something that’s so gross.” How could you do that? Especially knowing how I was with him not even a few days prior.

And I lied to you I’ll admit, I said that we weren’t going to hook up anymore. But that was a full, intentional lie. He told me to lie, said it was for the best and I fully believed that and I still kind of do. But then again I don’t. Because maybe you would’ve had a little bit more self control, maybe you would’ve remembered that I HATE LYING. Especially when you think it’ll make the truth a little bit more tolerable. But it doesn’t it makes it so much worst. It makes you wonder if every single memory of our friendship is fabricated and underlying with lies and betrayal.

It makes me wonder if you were ever my friend at all. You don’t care about me. Be honest with yourself and realize that “family” doesn’t do that shit. At least my family doesn’t. You only want me around because I care about you. You’re just like him. And don’t you dare say he cares about me ever again. I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re saying that more to yourself than me. Which sickens me even more.

I can’t sleep, I don’t have any care to eat or take care of myself properly. I just want to punch a wall until my knuckles bleed, or cry until my throat goes hoarse. Anything to get rid of the burning I feel anytime I look at you.

So why do you continue to interact with me? If you cared you would leave me alone, you would let me hurt and heal and wait until I was ready to look you in the eyes. But instead you make attempts to smile at me, to wave, to make a joke. Do you not understand I’m too weak to properly ward you off? That you have literally stabbed me in the back and each glance my way is another twist.

That every single time I see you two within feet of each other I wonder how two people I thought I loved, that I thought loved me don’t give a fuck as long as I’ll be around to catch them when they slip.

And I was just a pawn in both of your lives.

So tell me Why. Why should I forgive and forget?

 

Levis Cordis

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To you I say,

You are my equal parts in the form of never ending sunshine. You provide me with a warm glow that I can’t quite pin down and yet it seems it’s never the right time for us. It’s like everyone knows we should end up together—hell even we know—but some force keeps us from admitting anything directly. So we speak in code, a code I can barely decipher and sometimes feel like I’m making up half the time. But you are everything I’m supposed to have; not perfect, but completely the fixation of my adoration. Is third time the charm? Or is it just simply three strikes and you’re out?

To him I say,

I want you so much right now. Asking you for help that night didn’t feel like a mistake but now I know I’ve done some damage to all the work I put forth before; the addictive symptoms have returned and all I want is to hear you say my name. Just once, to hear your voice might stop the incessant pang I feel meeting your gaze across the hall. I ache for you, I find myself wondering what would happen if I proposed something casual—just something to cease this longing and gnawing within my mind.

I am too beautiful of a soul to focus on such trivial nonsense but here I am finding myself backed into a corner. You are what is right for me I believe, to see where we could go gives me anticipation beyond my wildest dreams.

But he, he leaves me with burning desire. I need him to extinguish the spark somehow; staying away from me doesn’t help, it only makes me wish for him more. He can’t hurt me anymore. I know this, he’s done all he can do to break me but I am still breathing; but for him to disregard the fact that I am strong—that I am alive—may send me 6 feet under once again.

Oh my fickle heart, I despise you.

 

Moving Onward and Upwards

 

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Time for a life update, let’s do this.

Next Monday I will officially be a senior, and I am beyond excited/nervous. I’m really just hoping for a drama and stress free school environment.

My last post was an open letter which could have been assumed while reading it; as you may have gathered I am no longer friends with someone I was very close with. After the initial shock wore off and had my time to cry a few tears I am happy to report that I am for the most part ok with everything. Of course it’s hard to not feel a little sad when things go so awry and get so very messy but now I’m just in the mindset of “it happened and now we move on”. I’m not going to waste anymore energy writing about it (wasting word count is never wise), no more analyzing what might be said about me within other parties (if you have nothing productive to say, why speak?) and no fake smiles will be casted to anyone; if I want to engage with you I will, if I believe there’s genuity I’m not going to be rude or petty or any fake shit you might expect from me. So that’s that on that.

Today I received two messages from two separate numbers that had me floored. I recently changed phones so a lot of number I newly saved weren’t transferred to my new phone.

The first message was from a gal pal who proceeded to tell me how much she loved me, a drunk text of course. But we had a great little chuckle before catching up a bit.

The second message was from a boy, AND OH BOY DID I FREAK OUT. He wanted to hang out but I sadly was unavailable (missed opportunities I cry every time). If I’m completely honest I thought it was a set up and still am a bit wary but we may hang out in the near future which shall be fun, he’s a fun dude.

But yeah that’s basically the main points of my life right now (there’s a lot of familial issues but I wanted this post to be for the most part positive). I know that my life is gonna be positive moving forward, and I know that everything that happens occurs to benefit me in some hidden way.

So I shall venture on and find these new and exciting benefits.

change in habits

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I am a person who always initiates things, something I’ve been more aware of this past month as I’ve grown. I think this is what has been my downfall and part of the reason things went so terribly for me earlier in the year; I put effort into things/people that don’t really meet me halfway.

I always make excuses for them, mainly because I know people have reasons to be a bit more forgetful or unable to hold meaningful conversations/provide mutual care. But also because I know I too used to struggle with keeping my head above the water to do even the simplest of tasks. And yet, I know know where to draw my line of tolerance.

Another factor I’ve noticed is how no matter how hard I try I am always made to feel less than–or like I’m not doing enough–and I would accept this. I would let people tell me how I was acting, who I was, the way they perceived my character and how it negatively affected them wasn’t to benefit me. All it did was make me loathe myself even more, question everything I said or did and ultimately view myself as a villain.

I am not a villain, and I do not deserve the treatment I have been given. I am proud of my growth, my ability to spread beyond my comfortable little box and engage with new and exciting people. Yes my tongue is now sharper, but I am simply done with making efforts that are seemingly void; efforts that just seem to fuel others egos.

I am showing those around me that I am not always going to be around, and I am irreplaceable–I hope they feel my absence and know that they caused it. And let it be clear that I am not asking for them to come back and prove to me that they value me more than they have shown–I don’t need that confidence boost when I already have it within myself.

This is what I want to be made clear:

I am an amazing friend, significant other, and most importantly a remarkable human being.

I will demand to be treated as such and nothing less.

fairytale land

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Once upon a time there was a girl just like you or me. She had her good days but most were lackluster, never terribly awful but you could tell things were dimmed.

She cried more times she’d care to admit to anyone but herself and poured all her love into others’ empty canteens. Now this wasn’t always a bad thing, it made her feel whole—less numb—but people take advantage of such kind souls.

Her friends compared her to the sun, a comparison she never really minded and secretly loved; the sun was life, it was everything she had forced herself to believe she was. But on the inside she was dying, the glow in her heart dangerously close to being snuffed out.

And it was. Day by day, bit by bit, ever so discreetly but oh so prominent the light dissipated. Her body was cold, frail, so very very vulnerable.

We all know these stories, we know that the girl finds her knight in shining armor to save the day and ignite life into the story.

But this is not that kind of story.

Instead of waiting for someone else to make her whole like she had so many times before, the girl did something even more remarkable and beautiful.

She reached deep down inside of herself and found the leftover remains of all the love she had placed aside for others; and with those delicate slivers she stitched and pasted together a different kind of love for herself.

A vibrant, solid kind of love that no one else can take; it grows in strength as you grow and fills you with earth shattering happiness.

It was the kind of love that transformed this young girl into the heroine of her own story.

You see self-love does that to a person; reshapes the heart, opens the eyes, supplies wisdom to the mind.

And turns suns into supernovas.

I think we’re the ones

 

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I think we’re the lucky ones.

I’ve seen relationships around me rise and fall in the darkest of ways, I’ve seen people sob until their eyes could barely lubricate themselves and scream until their voices ran hoarse. I’ve heard stories of manipulation and mind games tearing even the kindest people apart, twisted them into mangled heaps of their former selves.

I think I made it out with only minimal mental scars and a heart that still beats at a normal pace.

I think you think about me from time to time and feel a familiar ache, I think you feel some sort of regret; I think you wish you could still reach out and touch my hand without me jerking back or flinching, with fear frozen in my half brightened eyes.

I think about you during thunderstorms, how easy it would be to send you a message asking you to be back in my life. How the sound of rainfall seems to soothe me to sleep just like your touch once did; I think about how our love was like lightning—fast, electrifying, and lethal.

I think about how stupid it is of me to keep thinking about you, how I keep writing about you. I’ve never written this much about one person, not since those 72 hours of utter hell last year.

I think we’re the lucky ones because if we really tried, we could start over again. And I think neither of us would really mind that at all.

But I think we’re the ones that were made to slowly poison each other; we just get to enjoy the process as we ride along.