The End?

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“You tempt me and I don’t know how to retaliate. It’s like a drug. I’m addicted but don’t want help.”

– an excerpt from this tulmutous chapter of my life

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Levis Cordis

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To you I say,

You are my equal parts in the form of never ending sunshine. You provide me with a warm glow that I can’t quite pin down and yet it seems it’s never the right time for us. It’s like everyone knows we should end up together—hell even we know—but some force keeps us from admitting anything directly. So we speak in code, a code I can barely decipher and sometimes feel like I’m making up half the time. But you are everything I’m supposed to have; not perfect, but completely the fixation of my adoration. Is third time the charm? Or is it just simply three strikes and you’re out?

To him I say,

I want you so much right now. Asking you for help that night didn’t feel like a mistake but now I know I’ve done some damage to all the work I put forth before; the addictive symptoms have returned and all I want is to hear you say my name. Just once, to hear your voice might stop the incessant pang I feel meeting your gaze across the hall. I ache for you, I find myself wondering what would happen if I proposed something casual—just something to cease this longing and gnawing within my mind.

I am too beautiful of a soul to focus on such trivial nonsense but here I am finding myself backed into a corner. You are what is right for me I believe, to see where we could go gives me anticipation beyond my wildest dreams.

But he, he leaves me with burning desire. I need him to extinguish the spark somehow; staying away from me doesn’t help, it only makes me wish for him more. He can’t hurt me anymore. I know this, he’s done all he can do to break me but I am still breathing; but for him to disregard the fact that I am strong—that I am alive—may send me 6 feet under once again.

Oh my fickle heart, I despise you.

 

you are my happiness

you

 

I need to write because my mind is restless and going a million miles an hour and yet nowhere at once.

A detour. That’s what he said I’m taking; he’s taking one road and I’m taking a detour but someday we might be on the same road again.

Oh Heavenly Father above, I might love him. And this hurts so damn much.

But he’s going to get better, and I’m going to be right here–being whatever he needs me to be while he puts himself first for the first time in his life. In a way I am incredibly proud of myself for acknowledging this, for knowing that I can’t be selfish and stay with him. I can’t ask him to try and put effort into this when he can barely put effort into himself.

He thinks he’s failed me, he couldn’t be more wrong. I wasn’t lying when I said he made me happy–hell he still makes me happy. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. I’m going to try and be his friend, I have to try or else I might drown in this feeling of regret.

God dammit I regret this so freaking much. I didn’t want to do it, I still don’t know why I did it when I obviously want to be with him.

No, no it was for the best. I have to believe that or I just might break. I have to hope/pray/wish whatever the fuck I can do to believe that he’s going to be OK. That someday we will try this again and it will be even more beautiful and profound than it had been in the past.

What is it that they say? If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be? Well yeah that, I need to hold on to that.


 

him

 

 

I like the way he would never use my actual name and I always knew he was referring to me; but I also like the few moments my name would slip out of his mouth and how strange the consonants and vowel sounded to me.

I smile at the little things he does and it was in those moments that I liked who I was when I was around him–I loved who I was.

And yeah he’s not perfect, I never expected him to be. I never wanted him to be; I just wanted him to try and he did. And from this I gained a feeling I still don’t understand myself.

But holy shit he’s beautiful. So goddamn beautiful that you can’t help but cuss. I found myself actually speechless at times hearing the most provoking thoughts escape his mind–he’s the kind of boy they write screenplays about. He’s everybody’s muse and doesn’t believe it even for a second.

He just wants to make me happy and I couldn’t put into the right words that it was him. He’s my happiness, through all the fucked up mess we went through I could still feel the thrum of butterfly wings whenever I looked at him.

He’s the moonlight to my blinding sun.

 

 

 

Tomorrow

 

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It can go two ways, I completely shatter and finally break completely down when they send her away from me. My eyes will be puffy and red from all the tears I’ve cried the past 48 hours and I will shut down.

Or it could go how today went, me being an empty shell but resurrecting the moment you made me laugh. You helped me forget how wrong everything in my life is going with a simple teasing smirk and good natured joke.

So it can go two ways, I can be consumed by the everlasting woe or I can drown my self in the light of you.

Sensations

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I just think it’s weird how one thing changes how you feel, how you see everything. I feel different, it’s not a drastic change, but I do feel different.

I feel like I’m viewed differently now, not in a bad way or anything; just with a new set of eyes that scrutinize a bit more closely. The way they set it up makes it seem like your entire world shifts once it happens.

But it doesn’t—you just feel a little different. It’s like seeing a contrast in colors you didn’t really notice before, it’s kind of beautiful.

My Last Letter

 

 

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I can’t really find the words right now but I’m going to try my hardest because you deserve that.

I love you—it may not feel the same as before but I will still always love you.

I want you to be happy, hell that’s all I wanted from the start. I know it doesn’t feel like that. But it’s true, I want you to be happy.

I know it’s beyond selfish of me to ask you to stay in my life as a friend, I’m fully aware. But the thought of never speaking to you again feels wrong, it feels fake.

It pained me to do it, you may not believe me but it really did. I wanted so badly to reach out and hold you or grab your hand but I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already did.

I had been contemplating for days and I needed to do what was right for me, for us. I didn’t want to be that couple that forced emotions just so they would hang on for a few more weeks and then fizzle out with heated tensions. I needed to end it now in the hopes of us one day being friends again, not strangers that awkwardly glanced at each other from across the room.

You are my first love, and I am beyond grateful for that. You’ve given me memories that I will never forget and the purest love I could’ve asked for.

I will always be here for you, just say the word. I’m right here rooting for you no matter what. I know you’ll meet someone else that makes you feel like you’re floating on clouds, you deserve that.

You are the most amazing person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. My feelings may have changed slightly but you are still the boy I wished for all those months ago.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, even though I secretly hope my blog is still on your browser. I hope you see these words and know that this was the hardest decision that I’ve ever made.

But I hope someday we can speak again without a bitter tone in our voices.

You are always and forever will be beautiful to me.

-❤️