White noise

 

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“Are you ok?” Um no not really thanks for asking.

“ Is everything ok?” Define ok.

“How can I help?” I don’t know, I’m sorry but I really don’t know.

“What’s going on with you?”  I just, I can’t breathe, I feel numb but everything is on fire.

“Why do you look so down?” Oh it’s nothing see look I’m smiling, I’m smiling I promise.

“I’m here ok I promise.” You said that before, you left me before.

“You’re not alone I’m here.” Then why do I feel so far away?

“You’re special you are, I promise.” How? Tell me how. Tell me. See, you can’t.

“Let me help you.” I never tried to stop you. You just gave up.

“Look at how many people love you.” I know, fuck you, I know, and I love you.

“You’d really do that to them? Really?” Please I just, I can’t breathe. It hurts. I’m hurt.

Give me a reason to stay on this earth. A real reason.

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Goodbye.

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I don’t know what to type but um, I’m going to type out all that’s been going on in my head/life and see if that helps because I’m, something very wrong is happening.

There are three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth. Human memory likes to trick us, and memory is not at all perfect, so don’t try to recite a story and expect it to be 100% true and the only truth. When someone tells you you hurt them, you don’t have the right to say you didn’t; you don’t know in what way exactly you’ve hurt them because we weren’t made to perfectly articulate emotions.

I do not paint people out to be villains. Let’s get that straight. I tell my side of the story, you tell yours. But I only tell others my opinion, what I see, they have their own opinions and their own interpretations they make for themselves.

But I’m not hear to talk about that, I’m done. I know I’m a good person, I know I give people far more chances than I should and love them wherever they are in life. I don’t fucking give up on people and I hate that about myself.

So anyways, what’s been going on with me you ask? Good old paranoia, family lying to me and messing up my friendships, more mental and verbal abuse under my roof in the span of 3 days than ever in my life, and my personal fave my mother—my reason for breathing and the only reason I choose to breathe myself—threatening to leave my father for good. It’s lovely, it’s so enriching, it makes me wish I lived far away and didn’t have to breathe.

I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit this year, in every sense of the word. I’m not afraid to point out my flaws, I know I can be a fake bitch. Something I’ve been working on this entire summer; telling people what exactly  inconveniences me, what they’re doing that hurts me instead of running around and telling others.

Because of this I’m increasingly aware of the fairness I let myself tolerate, that I contributed to. Gossiping about others, being nice to their faces and excusing that as being mature. It’s not being mature it’s being a fucking snake and I’m tired of excusing it.

Sometimes people bring out the best and worst in you, I noticed I would succumb to the gossip more and more around certain people and realized how detrimental it was to me. How unhealthy for both of us it was to feed into it all.

I wasn’t a good person this year, I know it. This year was the worst of my life, I hurt people with my actions and words because of my internal struggles although that is no excuse. But it was never my intention.

I try so hard to not be this evil bitch and yet it found its way out this year. But I’m not going to apologize for being flawed, I will apologize for taking it out on others.

I blocked you because I realized something chilling, after my sister told me the truth about what you said I realized it was easy for me to believe the lie because I have witnessed you say things about people but act like their best friend.

Dont try and deny, you did on this very day, you’ve said such mean spirited things about that girl but today I saw you acting as if you were friends just like you were when she was a freshman. You did the same when another girl got the role you wanted, said such mean things about her talent but smiled in her face when met in another show. So if you can do that and pull it off so easily how can I not be just a little bit suspicious that you would do the same to me?

I know you gave a lot in this friendship, I never asked you to do that and told you many times that it wasn’t necessary. What happened a few days ago was a complete misunderstanding with so many other layers that I can’t even begin to describe and I had to do an in depth reflection on this dynamic we have, or had if my deductions are correct.

You probably will scoff at this whole post, or see it as a superficial whatever and you know what? I don’t care. I’m being genuine, I wanted to talk things out and see if we can at least be aqquantinces; it seems like even that is a lost cause.

So I hope you have a good life, I hope you prosper in the future and  whatnot. If you need me (which you probably won’t want or have no use for any longer) you know where to find me.

In all honesty I don’t want this to be the final episode of our little sitcom but, I guess this is goodbye.

I think we’re the ones

 

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I think we’re the lucky ones.

I’ve seen relationships around me rise and fall in the darkest of ways, I’ve seen people sob until their eyes could barely lubricate themselves and scream until their voices ran hoarse. I’ve heard stories of manipulation and mind games tearing even the kindest people apart, twisted them into mangled heaps of their former selves.

I think I made it out with only minimal mental scars and a heart that still beats at a normal pace.

I think you think about me from time to time and feel a familiar ache, I think you feel some sort of regret; I think you wish you could still reach out and touch my hand without me jerking back or flinching, with fear frozen in my half brightened eyes.

I think about you during thunderstorms, how easy it would be to send you a message asking you to be back in my life. How the sound of rainfall seems to soothe me to sleep just like your touch once did; I think about how our love was like lightning—fast, electrifying, and lethal.

I think about how stupid it is of me to keep thinking about you, how I keep writing about you. I’ve never written this much about one person, not since those 72 hours of utter hell last year.

I think we’re the lucky ones because if we really tried, we could start over again. And I think neither of us would really mind that at all.

But I think we’re the ones that were made to slowly poison each other; we just get to enjoy the process as we ride along.

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I am alive after a small break of mainly clarity, among other things. I will not lie, the last time I wrote on here I was on the very edge of holding on–so close to letting it all slip away. I shudder now, cringe at the very thought of going through what I had planned.

It’s all so trivial; but all of the things that had happened revealed to me that abuse/manipulation comes in many forms. As I have ridden down from the natural high that person had once given me I have deduced key moments that should have been warning signs.

  1. He was hell bent on getting me out of a relationship that I was for the most part, very happy in. I was trophy, a challenge that confused him–I saw this as flattering but it was borderline obsessive and egotistical.
  2. He had a God complex. He wanted people to revere and maybe even fear him a little. He feels he deserves all of the respect and honor that the world can give without lifting a single finger. In small doses, this would be human–it would be acceptable. But at some moments it would consume him.
  3. He didn’t like being told no. The word “no” didn’t mean the same for him as it did others. It simply meant “maybe another time”, this was dangerous. This was something I didn’t take notice of, but should have. God, I should have.
  4. If he saw an opportunity, he took it. That was his fucking justification for lying, for cheating. He saw the opportunity, and he took it.
  5. I wasn’t allowed to be sad or upset. Any of my insecurities or a small voice of unsatisfactory was met with condescend and sneer. I was built up, but it was undercut with annoyance and manipulative speech of all that he would do for me. It was empty words that made me loathe myself for even suggesting I was worth more than a fleeting compliment.
  6. His love turned sour fast. Sometimes I find myself submerged in the thick honey of our sweeter times only to be yanked to the surface and find a trail of ants in the wake. It started out small, he would be on his phone a lot more when he was with me or not really pay attention if I said something. Then the demands for the so called preciousness between my thighs got a lot more insistent; and once he got that, our “special” times were always overcast with his jeering comments about my appearance, or his insistent flirting with other girls right in front of me.
  7. After everything was over, he wouldn’t let me go. Prom night–I went to prom with a group of friends, it was the prettiest I had felt in such a long time–it was the last slow song of the night. One of my dearest friends danced with me, we dramatically glided across the dance floor with as much extra flair as we could; I broke away to speak to some other friends of mine mid song and he walked over, asked me to dance. As that song ended, he kissed me. He kissed me and I think that led to my spiral downward that I mentioned before, he didn’t even feel the need to actually talk about it afterwards until I brought it up.It’s like he wants to see if he still affects me, and he’s right every time.
  8. I am so so so so so much stronger than him. I can breathe without him, I am lovable, I am beautiful, I deserve to be nurtured and cared for properly, and I fucking deserve to live. There will be times that I may falter when I see him, my breath may quicken ever so slightly the minute our eyes meet but I know damn well I can reach inside myself and find the willpower to never let him in again.

He will not erase my name.

I can’t go back

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We used to be best friends, do you remember that? Do you remember the way we would laugh at the smallest of things, you and me against everyone else?

I think what happened in the summer changed me. It made me colder, the light I once had was snuffed for a moment–I haven’t been the same since. And it’s funny because it was just a small fling, nothing truly significant. But it fucked me up man.

And I am so sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry that I changed, that I hurt you and treated you like the dust beneath my feet.

I still do at times, I push you away and try to shove myself into the smallest of confines because I have to be cautious. I have to stay vigil because people break promises and lie through their shining teeth while wiping the stray hairs from your face.

I’m trying to control it, but it creeps back–the uncertainty. It shakes me to my core and I remember all the times you’ve hurt me (unintentionally or otherwise) and I can’t help but shrink away from your seemingly concerned appearance. People are really good at lying to me, they always seem to take advantage of my naive nature.

So I am incredibly sorry. But no matter how many times you try to prove me otherwise, the sinking feeling will linger and I have to stay on guard.

I have to protect myself because something inside me broke a long time ago and it still hasn’t fixed itself since.

I’m sorry but I can’t go back to the sweeter times.