God Only Knows

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It’s been 2 months since I wrote on here last, and I have no regrets. You see, I don’t know what to write; I don’t know what you all would like to hear, what stories I should tell. But I’ve missed it, I’ve missed sharing my thoughts onto a keyboard and letting the words take off while I zone out into a comfortable silence.

When I last wrote on here I said this world lacks love, now I look back and I realize what I truly meant; this world lacks empathy. In the place I live in people are so entitled, whether it be material or emotional–what they feel they deserve they will monopolize with no need for explanation. Everyone is guilty of this, no one is perfect, a simple flaw within the long list of humanity’s errors.

I feel like I’m different; I think I continuously look back and put myself into other shoes. I’m not entitled to anything but the happiness I create myself, and focusing on myself does not make me egotistical or rude. It gives me strength, a strength untouchable by sad individuals so crystalline you can see the tendrils of their heart writhing like an infestation. I feel sorry for them, but that’s their problem and not mine.

But onto more positive things; I’m still with my love, my lil’ chomper, my sunshine on a cloudy day. It’s been half a year and I still fall in love with something new each time I see him. Our ups and downs have been extreme I will admit, but nothing about us is toxic; it’s simply honest. It’s a real relationship, with real and normal issues you have to work through together. I think he doubts himself too much, he doesn’t understand that he’s the one I choose to trust; the one that knows my most vulnerable parts and never judges. I have never in my life been more comfortable with someone; he’s my best friend.

And I leave for college soon, I’m scared. But yet I am so ready to leave, to venture off into the world and find out who I was born to be. I will try to write more on here, I will try to convey how I am growing through not only my experiences but the way I describe them. I am thankful to those of you who have read my writing.

Happy reading 🙂

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Honeybee.

 

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Wow what a long hiatus I’m a little shook in all honesty, I didn’t plan on being gone for so long. Things are so lovely as of recent actually, although I feel my mental health deteriorating.

It’s not too alarming, I’m aware of the decline I just need counseling I suspect; sometimes we start dipping for no reason and I think that’s what is occurring now. January, a time for resolutions and beginnings. I’ve made my own resolutions that I intend to put into further action and I’d like to share them with you.

1. If they don’t put in effort, you aren’t obligated to do so. Don’t force connections.

2. Love him. Love him fiercely, love him without apology. Love him until it’s time to let go, but hopefully that isn’t for a bit.

3. Step out and open yourself to new people. I’ve already started and I’m liking where I’m going.

4. Remind yourself that you are beautiful. He calls me too pure for this harsh world, I’m his sweet bumble and I must remind myself of that.

5. Keep pushing till the end. It’s my last semester, I intend to have zero regrets. I intend to stick up for myself and call out disrespect when it comes my way. I intend to fall in love with myself.

I am made to be far more wonderful than I am right now, I can feel it, others can see it. It’s so beautiful to realize your full potential.

Moving Onward and Upwards

 

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Time for a life update, let’s do this.

Next Monday I will officially be a senior, and I am beyond excited/nervous. I’m really just hoping for a drama and stress free school environment.

My last post was an open letter which could have been assumed while reading it; as you may have gathered I am no longer friends with someone I was very close with. After the initial shock wore off and had my time to cry a few tears I am happy to report that I am for the most part ok with everything. Of course it’s hard to not feel a little sad when things go so awry and get so very messy but now I’m just in the mindset of “it happened and now we move on”. I’m not going to waste anymore energy writing about it (wasting word count is never wise), no more analyzing what might be said about me within other parties (if you have nothing productive to say, why speak?) and no fake smiles will be casted to anyone; if I want to engage with you I will, if I believe there’s genuity I’m not going to be rude or petty or any fake shit you might expect from me. So that’s that on that.

Today I received two messages from two separate numbers that had me floored. I recently changed phones so a lot of number I newly saved weren’t transferred to my new phone.

The first message was from a gal pal who proceeded to tell me how much she loved me, a drunk text of course. But we had a great little chuckle before catching up a bit.

The second message was from a boy, AND OH BOY DID I FREAK OUT. He wanted to hang out but I sadly was unavailable (missed opportunities I cry every time). If I’m completely honest I thought it was a set up and still am a bit wary but we may hang out in the near future which shall be fun, he’s a fun dude.

But yeah that’s basically the main points of my life right now (there’s a lot of familial issues but I wanted this post to be for the most part positive). I know that my life is gonna be positive moving forward, and I know that everything that happens occurs to benefit me in some hidden way.

So I shall venture on and find these new and exciting benefits.

That Night.

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He didn’t make me do anything, I was given the choice. Yes or no, that’s all i had to say and everything would change.

I don’t know why I’m typing it all out now, it happened 3 months ago–we’re together now and everything. But for some reason  I need to explain uncensored– because sometimes I still feel the guilt crawling at my skin. I still feel disgusting, unworthy to speak to anyone I come across.

But I was given a choice.

It started off small, confessions of harmless attraction through a phone screen; hints of flirtation. I thought He wanted her, I was sure of it actually and it stung, but I felt that if it had to be someone I knew, I wanted it to be a friend–someone I loved. So I didn’t think twice about the late night hangouts at my house, the occasional brush of hands or slow smiles. I thought I was simply another faceless body.

Then the uncomfortable ache around my boyfriend began to grow stronger, I didn’t mind being apart from him as much. Little things about him annoyed me more and more–I didn’t know if I loved in the way he wanted me to. I felt this pressure to always be happy because why be sad? You can just simply get over a mental illness right? It was a naive notion that I couldn’t believe in anymore; and I made the mistake of confiding in Him, something you don’t do with someone you’re somewhat attracted to.

They voiced their concern, all of my friends. They questioned if I was truly happy and I had to figure out for myself if I was; I had hour long conversations with my mom, I decided to end things with my boyfriend after winter break–but I didn’t know it would come sooner.

We were at my house; two of my friends, one being the girl I thought he wanted as much as she wanted Him, and the boy with the eyes too dark to comprehend. A cake was being baked, it was a nice time. I was alone with Him, maybe that was the first mistake but things were said and that’s when I knew He wanted me. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I left the conversation there. Until the next day.

Once again they all came over and once again I was alone in the kitchen with Him; that’s when I was given the ultimatum. Say yes to a kiss, just one. If not, we would forget the idea ever came up. Now I deserve no time to appeal with some background but I must tell this with an uncensored mind.

This boy standing before me was one that I had wanted only 3 years ago, and I had wished that someday His feelings would change from platonic and He would see me differently. Here I was, seeing all of that heartbreak and pining splayed out in an almost cruel way; it was as if God himself was shaking his head at this tumultuous crossroads of my life.

So what do you when a dream you thought had died resurrects before you and asks for you to believe in it once again? Do you turn away and wonder what might have been?

I wish I could say I was thinking of consequences when I made my choice, I wish I could say that I was firm in my answer and told him to leave my home. But, I didn’t–I remember standing there, trembling slightly as this notion swam through my head. I remember a J.Cole song was playing low in the background but nothing else mattered in that moment. So with a heavy heart I must confess that I said yes to Him. And sadly it was the best kiss I ever received; because that dream revived.

I cheated. And it’s a horrible case of irony since I’ve felt a similar pain not too long ago. I did something terrible to a human being, he may not ever trust relationships again because of me. I think of that from time to time, and as horrible as this sounds I’m with the boy I cheated with. He makes me happy.

He gives me a feeling so profound that words do not describe, and I know my dear readers that I have blogged about other boys before on this page. You may scoff and roll your eyes expecting this to last only a mere couple of months before I am back to writing about another infamous heartbreak.

And maybe I will, who knows? But I enjoy living in the present with him.

Anyway, this all did ruin my other relationships of course; my ex and I have only spoken once in person in the past 3 months, my relationship with the friend who also liked the boy is now in shambles–it’s rough. I only hope that someday they will both forgive me wholeheartedly for every mistake I have made with them, it is selfish to ask but I need her in my life. She’s my best friend.

But friends don’t ask such things of each other, I know that. So I’m giving us both time.

As for my ex, I just don’t know. He’s moved on with a new girl and I am 100% happy for him. They’re quite cute together actually, though it’s weird I notice some similarities between her and I. But I do miss being his friend, and I hope someday I’ll have the honor of being one. I hurt him, he kind of hurt me in a way too–but humans were not intended to be perfect.

So this is why I confess this to you all, whomever will take the time to read it. Because even though others say they forgive me, I need to actually forgive myself.

I should not feel guilt for the happiness I feel each time his lips utter my name so eloquently or anytime his easy smirk makes my heart dance.

One should simply learn to accept their mistakes, to confess their sins and then continue to exist. Only then can we all have closure.

 

Tales from a Black Girl

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The truth is you never really felt pretty because you’ve been seen as a sexual conquest since you can remember.

Your pretty full lips were bashed and mocked until they were possessed by a race other than your own. You pawed at the light roasted hue of your skin while others yearned to get the perfect tan.

Your curves were seen as a one way ticket to the gold mine between your legs instead of the glorious work of art that they truly are. They may mock your hair for its’ untamed mass of curls and unknown beauty, but all they wanna do is feel how soft it is.

 

Loving you isn’t a norm honey, it’s a rare occurrence that is met with praise and condescending smiles. Because who in their right mind would stoop down and love a little black girl?  Sure they’re hot but have you seen how angry they get? I mean my god, they’re absolutely crazy. But, they must be pretty good in bed.

But oh not you, you’re a different kind of black girl. You’re not like the rest of them, sometimes I forget you’re even black so it’s not even a big deal.

Well I am, big surprise. And I will not be numbed down to your ideal beauty, but will show you the wide spectrum.

I am black. I will not deny that.

I am black, and that is beautiful.

 

 

Junior

 

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I had to take a break. I use that excuse every time I don’t post up here  after a few weeks–but I mean it this time. I needed a break.

But I’m back, and I’m a junior.

That’s so weird of me to say, my third year of high school…already here. It’s already a stressful time in case you were wondering.

Besides the stress, there are perks to this new year…changes to say the least. Part of me wants to divulge all of the details to you all but I know that it would convey some of my identity to you all. And I’m aware that some people I go to school read my blog–which is really weird to be entirely honest.

I will say this, I have a bit of a problem.

OK you know those crushes where it’s not really like a, “oh please date me I want you to be my significant other” but more so like “I am aware that you’re attractive and I simply want you to be my friend and I care for your well-being”. I’m hoping that made some sort of sense because I have been experiencing this…friend crush if you will.

AND IT’S WEIRD

Because it is simply just adoration. Like I find the person simply interesting–I don’t want to be with them at all. I kinda have feelings for another person so it really is just an innocent adoration of a mutual.

So then why do I feel so guilty? WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF?

It’s just really weird ugh I sound like a cliche teen blogger please stop me.

But um yeah that’s all I’ve got for you tonight.

-onegirl