Moving Onward and Upwards

 

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Time for a life update, let’s do this.

Next Monday I will officially be a senior, and I am beyond excited/nervous. I’m really just hoping for a drama and stress free school environment.

My last post was an open letter which could have been assumed while reading it; as you may have gathered I am no longer friends with someone I was very close with. After the initial shock wore off and had my time to cry a few tears I am happy to report that I am for the most part ok with everything. Of course it’s hard to not feel a little sad when things go so awry and get so very messy but now I’m just in the mindset of “it happened and now we move on”. I’m not going to waste anymore energy writing about it (wasting word count is never wise), no more analyzing what might be said about me within other parties (if you have nothing productive to say, why speak?) and no fake smiles will be casted to anyone; if I want to engage with you I will, if I believe there’s genuity I’m not going to be rude or petty or any fake shit you might expect from me. So that’s that on that.

Today I received two messages from two separate numbers that had me floored. I recently changed phones so a lot of number I newly saved weren’t transferred to my new phone.

The first message was from a gal pal who proceeded to tell me how much she loved me, a drunk text of course. But we had a great little chuckle before catching up a bit.

The second message was from a boy, AND OH BOY DID I FREAK OUT. He wanted to hang out but I sadly was unavailable (missed opportunities I cry every time). If I’m completely honest I thought it was a set up and still am a bit wary but we may hang out in the near future which shall be fun, he’s a fun dude.

But yeah that’s basically the main points of my life right now (there’s a lot of familial issues but I wanted this post to be for the most part positive). I know that my life is gonna be positive moving forward, and I know that everything that happens occurs to benefit me in some hidden way.

So I shall venture on and find these new and exciting benefits.

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That Night.

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He didn’t make me do anything, I was given the choice. Yes or no, that’s all i had to say and everything would change.

I don’t know why I’m typing it all out now, it happened 3 months ago–we’re together now and everything. But for some reason  I need to explain uncensored– because sometimes I still feel the guilt crawling at my skin. I still feel disgusting, unworthy to speak to anyone I come across.

But I was given a choice.

It started off small, confessions of harmless attraction through a phone screen; hints of flirtation. I thought He wanted her, I was sure of it actually and it stung, but I felt that if it had to be someone I knew, I wanted it to be a friend–someone I loved. So I didn’t think twice about the late night hangouts at my house, the occasional brush of hands or slow smiles. I thought I was simply another faceless body.

Then the uncomfortable ache around my boyfriend began to grow stronger, I didn’t mind being apart from him as much. Little things about him annoyed me more and more–I didn’t know if I loved in the way he wanted me to. I felt this pressure to always be happy because why be sad? You can just simply get over a mental illness right? It was a naive notion that I couldn’t believe in anymore; and I made the mistake of confiding in Him, something you don’t do with someone you’re somewhat attracted to.

They voiced their concern, all of my friends. They questioned if I was truly happy and I had to figure out for myself if I was; I had hour long conversations with my mom, I decided to end things with my boyfriend after winter break–but I didn’t know it would come sooner.

We were at my house; two of my friends, one being the girl I thought he wanted as much as she wanted Him, and the boy with the eyes too dark to comprehend. A cake was being baked, it was a nice time. I was alone with Him, maybe that was the first mistake but things were said and that’s when I knew He wanted me. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I left the conversation there. Until the next day.

Once again they all came over and once again I was alone in the kitchen with Him; that’s when I was given the ultimatum. Say yes to a kiss, just one. If not, we would forget the idea ever came up. Now I deserve no time to appeal with some background but I must tell this with an uncensored mind.

This boy standing before me was one that I had wanted only 3 years ago, and I had wished that someday His feelings would change from platonic and He would see me differently. Here I was, seeing all of that heartbreak and pining splayed out in an almost cruel way; it was as if God himself was shaking his head at this tumultuous crossroads of my life.

So what do you when a dream you thought had died resurrects before you and asks for you to believe in it once again? Do you turn away and wonder what might have been?

I wish I could say I was thinking of consequences when I made my choice, I wish I could say that I was firm in my answer and told him to leave my home. But, I didn’t–I remember standing there, trembling slightly as this notion swam through my head. I remember a J.Cole song was playing low in the background but nothing else mattered in that moment. So with a heavy heart I must confess that I said yes to Him. And sadly it was the best kiss I ever received; because that dream revived.

I cheated. And it’s a horrible case of irony since I’ve felt a similar pain not too long ago. I did something terrible to a human being, he may not ever trust relationships again because of me. I think of that from time to time, and as horrible as this sounds I’m with the boy I cheated with. He makes me happy.

He gives me a feeling so profound that words do not describe, and I know my dear readers that I have blogged about other boys before on this page. You may scoff and roll your eyes expecting this to last only a mere couple of months before I am back to writing about another infamous heartbreak.

And maybe I will, who knows? But I enjoy living in the present with him.

Anyway, this all did ruin my other relationships of course; my ex and I have only spoken once in person in the past 3 months, my relationship with the friend who also liked the boy is now in shambles–it’s rough. I only hope that someday they will both forgive me wholeheartedly for every mistake I have made with them, it is selfish to ask but I need her in my life. She’s my best friend.

But friends don’t ask such things of each other, I know that. So I’m giving us both time.

As for my ex, I just don’t know. He’s moved on with a new girl and I am 100% happy for him. They’re quite cute together actually, though it’s weird I notice some similarities between her and I. But I do miss being his friend, and I hope someday I’ll have the honor of being one. I hurt him, he kind of hurt me in a way too–but humans were not intended to be perfect.

So this is why I confess this to you all, whomever will take the time to read it. Because even though others say they forgive me, I need to actually forgive myself.

I should not feel guilt for the happiness I feel each time his lips utter my name so eloquently or anytime his easy smirk makes my heart dance.

One should simply learn to accept their mistakes, to confess their sins and then continue to exist. Only then can we all have closure.

 

Tales from a Black Girl

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The truth is you never really felt pretty because you’ve been seen as a sexual conquest since you can remember.

Your pretty full lips were bashed and mocked until they were possessed by a race other than your own. You pawed at the light roasted hue of your skin while others yearned to get the perfect tan.

Your curves were seen as a one way ticket to the gold mine between your legs instead of the glorious work of art that they truly are. They may mock your hair for its’ untamed mass of curls and unknown beauty, but all they wanna do is feel how soft it is.

 

Loving you isn’t a norm honey, it’s a rare occurrence that is met with praise and condescending smiles. Because who in their right mind would stoop down and love a little black girl?  Sure they’re hot but have you seen how angry they get? I mean my god, they’re absolutely crazy. But, they must be pretty good in bed.

But oh not you, you’re a different kind of black girl. You’re not like the rest of them, sometimes I forget you’re even black so it’s not even a big deal.

Well I am, big surprise. And I will not be numbed down to your ideal beauty, but will show you the wide spectrum.

I am black. I will not deny that.

I am black, and that is beautiful.

 

 

Junior

 

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I had to take a break. I use that excuse every time I don’t post up here  after a few weeks–but I mean it this time. I needed a break.

But I’m back, and I’m a junior.

That’s so weird of me to say, my third year of high school…already here. It’s already a stressful time in case you were wondering.

Besides the stress, there are perks to this new year…changes to say the least. Part of me wants to divulge all of the details to you all but I know that it would convey some of my identity to you all. And I’m aware that some people I go to school read my blog–which is really weird to be entirely honest.

I will say this, I have a bit of a problem.

OK you know those crushes where it’s not really like a, “oh please date me I want you to be my significant other” but more so like “I am aware that you’re attractive and I simply want you to be my friend and I care for your well-being”. I’m hoping that made some sort of sense because I have been experiencing this…friend crush if you will.

AND IT’S WEIRD

Because it is simply just adoration. Like I find the person simply interesting–I don’t want to be with them at all. I kinda have feelings for another person so it really is just an innocent adoration of a mutual.

So then why do I feel so guilty? WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF?

It’s just really weird ugh I sound like a cliche teen blogger please stop me.

But um yeah that’s all I’ve got for you tonight.

-onegirl