It’s been 2 months since I wrote on here last, and I have no regrets. You see, I don’t know what to write; I don’t know what you all would like to hear, what stories I should tell. But I’ve missed it, I’ve missed sharing my thoughts onto a keyboard and letting the words take off while I zone out into a comfortable silence.
When I last wrote on here I said this world lacks love, now I look back and I realize what I truly meant; this world lacks empathy. In the place I live in people are so entitled, whether it be material or emotional–what they feel they deserve they will monopolize with no need for explanation. Everyone is guilty of this, no one is perfect, a simple flaw within the long list of humanity’s errors.
I feel like I’m different; I think I continuously look back and put myself into other shoes. I’m not entitled to anything but the happiness I create myself, and focusing on myself does not make me egotistical or rude. It gives me strength, a strength untouchable by sad individuals so crystalline you can see the tendrils of their heart writhing like an infestation. I feel sorry for them, but that’s their problem and not mine.
And I leave for college soon, I’m scared. But yet I am so ready to leave, to venture off into the world and find out who I was born to be. I will try to write more on here, I will try to convey how I am growing through not only my experiences but the way I describe them. I am thankful to those of you who have read my writing.
Happy reading 🙂
Time for a life update, let’s do this.
Next Monday I will officially be a senior, and I am beyond excited/nervous. I’m really just hoping for a drama and stress free school environment.
My last post was an open letter which could have been assumed while reading it; as you may have gathered I am no longer friends with someone I was very close with. After the initial shock wore off and had my time to cry a few tears I am happy to report that I am for the most part ok with everything. Of course it’s hard to not feel a little sad when things go so awry and get so very messy but now I’m just in the mindset of “it happened and now we move on”. I’m not going to waste anymore energy writing about it (wasting word count is never wise), no more analyzing what might be said about me within other parties (if you have nothing productive to say, why speak?) and no fake smiles will be casted to anyone; if I want to engage with you I will, if I believe there’s genuity I’m not going to be rude or petty or any fake shit you might expect from me. So that’s that on that.
Today I received two messages from two separate numbers that had me floored. I recently changed phones so a lot of number I newly saved weren’t transferred to my new phone.
The first message was from a gal pal who proceeded to tell me how much she loved me, a drunk text of course. But we had a great little chuckle before catching up a bit.
The second message was from a boy, AND OH BOY DID I FREAK OUT. He wanted to hang out but I sadly was unavailable (missed opportunities I cry every time). If I’m completely honest I thought it was a set up and still am a bit wary but we may hang out in the near future which shall be fun, he’s a fun dude.
But yeah that’s basically the main points of my life right now (there’s a lot of familial issues but I wanted this post to be for the most part positive). I know that my life is gonna be positive moving forward, and I know that everything that happens occurs to benefit me in some hidden way.
So I shall venture on and find these new and exciting benefits.
I had to take a break. I use that excuse every time I don’t post up here after a few weeks–but I mean it this time. I needed a break.
But I’m back, and I’m a junior.
That’s so weird of me to say, my third year of high school…already here. It’s already a stressful time in case you were wondering.
Besides the stress, there are perks to this new year…changes to say the least. Part of me wants to divulge all of the details to you all but I know that it would convey some of my identity to you all. And I’m aware that some people I go to school read my blog–which is really weird to be entirely honest.
I will say this, I have a bit of a problem.
OK you know those crushes where it’s not really like a, “oh please date me I want you to be my significant other” but more so like “I am aware that you’re attractive and I simply want you to be my friend and I care for your well-being”. I’m hoping that made some sort of sense because I have been experiencing this…friend crush if you will.
AND IT’S WEIRD
Because it is simply just adoration. Like I find the person simply interesting–I don’t want to be with them at all. I kinda have feelings for another person so it really is just an innocent adoration of a mutual.
So then why do I feel so guilty? WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF?
It’s just really weird ugh I sound like a cliche teen blogger please stop me.
But um yeah that’s all I’ve got for you tonight.