Wonder

 

wonder

Sometimes I wonder what it was like being with you, I’m starting to slowly forget.

I wonder if your voice sounds different; can a voice change in only a few months?

I wonder if you ever hung up that poster, or if you just simply threw it away after you found out about him.

Do you wear the shirt too? Or is that gone along with the poster.

I wonder if you’re happy. I really hope you are, that’s something we all could use a bit of.

I hope you’re happy for the right reasons, spite will sometimes cloud our judgement and falsely convince us otherwise.

Do you call me bitch? A slut? Maybe even a whore? I don’t deserve such deplorable words, but I understand.

This is extremely vain but, do you still find me beautiful? I wonder if this is why I catch you staring at me if I pass by, you’re not all that subtle.

I also wonder about your dog, how is she? She was always such a cutie, I miss your dog dude. Can I ask you about the dog?

Am I allowed to ever say hi to you? Will we ever strike up a conversation without awkward tension or do we have to still pretend the other person doesn’t exist?

Finally, will you ever read this? Do you check in on my blog from time to time? Is the URL burned into your memory or still open in your phone browser? Or have you simply deleted all of the memories filled with me, because I’m starting to forget–are you?

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Divine Maturation

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Lately, I have been feeling emotions in extremes. I find myself crying a lot more.

Which is not necessarily terrible, in fact I enjoy the beauty in tears; usually it is followed by the immense happiness I have felt in these past couple of months. I am becoming more aware of my place in this world as these days go by, making it easier for me to feel a bit more isolated. Again not a terrible thing, it is actually humbling.

There seems to be a weight that has been taken off my shoulders; I no longer care how others perceive me as long as I know who I am. As long as I know who genuinely wants to be a positive influence in my life. You lose some, but you win so many more.

I think this is what you call growth.

 

 

Ebb and Flow

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No I will not apologize any longer for having fire on my fingertips and a steely gaze. The word compassionate cannot be spelled without passion—which is what you see surrounding me. I will not be told that I am the enemy, I will not be made a prisoner confined to fake smiles and sympathetic nods; I will flourish and grow, I will take time for myself as well.

The silence is only bothering you.

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She sings quitely under her breath because she’s too shy to actually let him hear her voice, it’s a good thing the radio is loud. Her body relaxes against the now pulsating seat due to the powerful bass of whatever angsty song that fills the small interior of the car.

He’s watching her bop her head in time to the beat and feels a smile creeping on his face. She raises her arms up and quickly thrusts them down in an air drum solo—caught up in her dizzying world. It was refreshing for him to watch the carefree way she moved.

She glances over and notices him staring at her, she abruptly puts her arms down. A shrill giggle escapes her lips and she crinkles her nose up in embarrassment. Her gaze shifts to look at her lap, fingers dancing together in a flustered manner.

But he doesn’t stop staring, his smile never falters. He looks out into the distance and let’s out a gentle sigh while they let the music surround them.

She breaks the silence with another giggle, he looks down at her and feels a warm sensation bubbling in his chest. She finally glances over at him and his heart does jumping jacks at the sight of those warm browns.

“I’m such a dork” she says with a roll of her eyes.

He doesn’t respond, instead he moves a strand of hair that’s lazily made its way across her face. She smiles at the gesture but playfully shoves his hand away.

“I don’t know how you put up with me” she mumbles before turning to look out her window. He grabs her chin ever so sligtly and turns her back to face him. She’s now hyper aware of how close their bodies seem to be and wonders if it was always like this.

Without a single word he presses his lips against hers softly and she feels like she’s on fire. He pulls away, she’s a little out of breath.

“Because you’re mine.”

 

I often think about how happy I was in this little snapshot of our relationship, but also how it doesn’t really show the full picture of what was taking place within me—the turmoil in my heart. Life is funny that way. 

 

 

 

A Few Character Studies

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~She is the  breath of fresh air that clears the tension in any room; a face so angelic that you’d never believe she doesn’t wear an ounce of makeup. Her laugh is the most distinct in the crowd and you can see her smile from a mile away. You know she’ll give you even the harshest of advice, because she loves you. Sometimes you fear the blunt words of reason but you always know that’s what you need to hear. You know that she’s your best friend. Her dark hair sweeps into the air with every excited jolt of her head; she squints her eyes comically and you can’t help but laugh at this carefree bundle of beauty.

~He’s a walking Sudoku puzzle you can’t help but want to solve. Outside he’s seen as a fun loving party guy that just wants people to be happy; but you’ve seen the other side. It’s breathtaking, it’s full of profound thoughts and phrases. It’s art. Everyday there’s something new and exciting, everyday you’re left speechless. And you never truly realize how meaningful a simple glance can be until you look into that mysterious pair that he possesses. His eyelashes are so luscious it’s infuriating and you seem to be magnetized towards his aura even though it feels almost sinful.

~You look at her and wonder if she’ll ever know that she is more than all consuming sadness; that she is simply a complexity of poems and colors. Those eyes, you look into those green eyes and you see so much caring. You get a little sad and often wonder why she cares too much at times. It’s because it helps her cope but you just want to help her realize that caring for herself comes before all others. That she is worth more than what she has been shown. Sometimes you’ll reach out and brush the few blonde strands that never seem to stay down and you forget that she’s older. You nurture her because she was your favorite long before she knew.

~He used to be your everything; you don’t know when that changed. You know you made mistakes, you think about it everyday damn day. But you also know that behind that pretty facade you never felt comfortable. In fact, part of you was a little afraid. He had this way of judging people based on one little flaw, and you loathed it. You never spoke up and you feared he would turn on you. But you made the mistake, and you ended things in fear. As you got happy without him he came from the shadows and tried to tell you who you really are. But you didn’t let him. No matter how beautiful he could be he ruined it all with his ugly personality. And sadly it all went to ashes. You lost the love, and the hate flowed through.

~She’s getting so big, and you’re missing out on it all. She’s already started her first steps, first words, first tooth and soon her first birthday. She looks just like your younger sister and it’s like you’re watching her grow up all over again. All you can do is watch from a phone screen and hear the shrill giggles escape through the speaker. You ache just thinking about how much of her life you’re going to miss out on because she’s miles away.

~He’s the big brother you always wanted but never had. You never thought someone this cool would call you a friend. You’re beyond thankful for his real advice and his loyal attitude. The guy you know you can call at 3 am and he’ll be there before you can even say bye; and yet he never asks for anything in return. You just want him to know that you have his back just as he has yours. And you’re glad you’ve got someone to protect you when it’s needed the most. He never fails to bring warmth into your life and won’t give up on you when everyone else does. You didn’t think someone could become family so quickly but you can’t help but think it was meant to be.

~She has this really loud laugh, it starts off has high pitched giggles and ends with a throaty chuckle. People tell her that her view of the world is something meaningful but she just assumes everyone thinks the same way. She quite honestly thinks she’s average and she’s content with that. She likes to think that she is a good person despite past mistakes. Above all else that’s what she holds on to. When she’s concentrating on updating her blog sometimes she’ll unconsciously stick out her tongue while she types, a quirk that people love to point out. She likes to walk on her tiptoes so she feels a few inches taller than her 5 feet stature; making her appear even smaller and younger. She’s still learning how to navigate this world, and she’s getting a little better each day.

ask yourself

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“I think it’s funny” she spat out through clenched teeth and tears, “that at one point he was fighting for me, fighting to love me and now? Now he acts like it wouldn’t matter if I lived or died. And how do you answer for your sins when you’re being told you don’t deserve forgiveness? How do you find the will to exist?”

How do you find the will to exist?

 

Her Favorite Conundrum

 

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I like to think of people as puzzles.

And maybe it’s inappropriate to think of people as such things, to play this childish game if you will —but it’s a compliment really; people are these vast complex things that vary across the board.

Like puzzles.

You’ve got your simple jigsaw with giant pieces that you can easily place together to get an adorably innocent picture. They’re fun, the end result is just easy to assume from the get go.

Then you’ve got Rubik’s cubes; challenging at first but all you need is a simple algorithim to figure them out. A seemingly self proclaimed chaotic mess that’s really a naive attempt at hiding their true form.

There are countless other puzzles that you may be able to categorize a person in; crude I know but it’s something beautiful to think about.

I may have found a new enigma, a dark mystery—no—a new escapade if you will. You see the thing with me, I’m always looking for the next thrill. My methods before were not the wisest of course, but I’ve learned that you don’t need risky behavior to have fun.

Sometimes adventure lies within a person, and that my friends is the best part about this fucked up world.

The complexity, the beauty of the people around us.

It’s art. It’s a god damn painting and it takes my breath away. I’m sitting here trying to figure out what this canvas is truly conveying but I’m stumped— I love that.

A worthy advisary, let the games begin.