White noise

 

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“Are you ok?” Um no not really thanks for asking.

“ Is everything ok?” Define ok.

“How can I help?” I don’t know, I’m sorry but I really don’t know.

“What’s going on with you?”  I just, I can’t breathe, I feel numb but everything is on fire.

“Why do you look so down?” Oh it’s nothing see look I’m smiling, I’m smiling I promise.

“I’m here ok I promise.” You said that before, you left me before.

“You’re not alone I’m here.” Then why do I feel so far away?

“You’re special you are, I promise.” How? Tell me how. Tell me. See, you can’t.

“Let me help you.” I never tried to stop you. You just gave up.

“Look at how many people love you.” I know, fuck you, I know, and I love you.

“You’d really do that to them? Really?” Please I just, I can’t breathe. It hurts. I’m hurt.

Give me a reason to stay on this earth. A real reason.

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remember the girl with fire on her fingertips?

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Originally I was going to make my last post one gigantic thing but I realize I have much to say about this particular topic swirling around my head so…double post.

Being single is really fun in the summer, but also really frigging complicated and let me explain why for you all; I love a good hookup. Sorry for the bluntness, sorry for maybe shocking you a little considering how heartfelt my last post was but I have to be candid in order to properly voice my problem.

I don’t like sex–ok that’s a lie, I do enjoy sex BUT for right now the idea of it is not appealing because of the whole previous relationship thing. What I mean is, my hookup definition is vastly different than most boys, which is what is complicating things. I like a good old fashioned heated make out in the back of a car or your friends bedroom (ahem…not that I’ve done any of those things whaaatttt) but the problem is once you’ve started that guys tend to expect more; and the whole “I had a whole pregnancy scare that traumatized me and my mom and I really don’t want to relive that situation so I’m trying to stay abstinent until I’m ready to be in a committed relationship” speech is kind of a boner killer.

Now here is what complicates my life even more. I hooked up (NO SEX REMEMBER HOOK UP IN THIS SENSE AS IN SEXY KISSING MOMENTS) with a boy that I come into close contact because of my friend circles, and he was a senior. After our fun times he proceeded to go on with a speech about how he wasn’t ready for anything serious (which I wasn’t…I wasn’t expecting anything serious I had just always found him attractive and a little scary but in a hot way) which made me feel really weird. I am the type of girl that understands these things, I’m a big kid; I don’t need a whole speech about how you’re living the casual life because guess what? Me too buddy. I did appreciate the sensitivity though, it was sweet that he cared for my feelings afterwards…which had the opposite affect he wanted. I was then over analyzing everything I was doing a) because of my lovely brain sabotaging me (we were in downward spiral at this point) and b) because I didn’t want to freak him out with my innate instinct to care for people I kiss. I mean it worked for the most part, but then something awful was occurring–I wanted to do it more.

So here I was, weeks of no one kissing me or cuddling, hoping that maybe this boy would wanna do it again. To my surprise (and utter relief) he did. BUT ME BEING THE DUMB ASS I AM COULDN’T CONTROL MY FUCKING HORMONES AND I MADE OUT WITH ANOTHER BOY.

A boy. Who is also in his friend group. BUT IN MY DEFENSE I had had people instigating this so it’s not my fault entirely. So yeah, I kissed another guy and it was…alright. The hot now graduated senior boy was kind of…better. I hate to say it but it’s true. And I had to see him knowing full well that he probably knows what occurred so now I look like a thirsty hoe.

So my problem here is, I am unintentionally spiraling down a path I do not plan on going on; and it’s like no one cares. No one is stopping me from pushing past the point of no return and my brain is kind of like “Hello? Is no one going to tell me this is wrong? You’re all just going to let me ruin my reputation? Alright, bet. And we’re all aware that I am incapable of knowing when enough is truly enough given my mental state right? Okay so if we’re all on the same page I’ll just keep messing up thanks.”

It’s like I’m watching myself from the outside doing these reckless things, knowing that it’ll have consequences, and not caring enough to stop myself. I’m kind of scared in a way, I want someone to save me from myself–I want someone to care about me enough to stop me from becoming something they know I’m not. But I’m not strong enough to ask for it.

This is a cry for help I guess, someone stop me from becoming the body that every guy thinks he can rent for the night.

genesis

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I am alive after a small break of mainly clarity, among other things. I will not lie, the last time I wrote on here I was on the very edge of holding on–so close to letting it all slip away. I shudder now, cringe at the very thought of going through what I had planned.

It’s all so trivial; but all of the things that had happened revealed to me that abuse/manipulation comes in many forms. As I have ridden down from the natural high that person had once given me I have deduced key moments that should have been warning signs.

  1. He was hell bent on getting me out of a relationship that I was for the most part, very happy in. I was trophy, a challenge that confused him–I saw this as flattering but it was borderline obsessive and egotistical.
  2. He had a God complex. He wanted people to revere and maybe even fear him a little. He feels he deserves all of the respect and honor that the world can give without lifting a single finger. In small doses, this would be human–it would be acceptable. But at some moments it would consume him.
  3. He didn’t like being told no. The word “no” didn’t mean the same for him as it did others. It simply meant “maybe another time”, this was dangerous. This was something I didn’t take notice of, but should have. God, I should have.
  4. If he saw an opportunity, he took it. That was his fucking justification for lying, for cheating. He saw the opportunity, and he took it.
  5. I wasn’t allowed to be sad or upset. Any of my insecurities or a small voice of unsatisfactory was met with condescend and sneer. I was built up, but it was undercut with annoyance and manipulative speech of all that he would do for me. It was empty words that made me loathe myself for even suggesting I was worth more than a fleeting compliment.
  6. His love turned sour fast. Sometimes I find myself submerged in the thick honey of our sweeter times only to be yanked to the surface and find a trail of ants in the wake. It started out small, he would be on his phone a lot more when he was with me or not really pay attention if I said something. Then the demands for the so called preciousness between my thighs got a lot more insistent; and once he got that, our “special” times were always overcast with his jeering comments about my appearance, or his insistent flirting with other girls right in front of me.
  7. After everything was over, he wouldn’t let me go. Prom night–I went to prom with a group of friends, it was the prettiest I had felt in such a long time–it was the last slow song of the night. One of my dearest friends danced with me, we dramatically glided across the dance floor with as much extra flair as we could; I broke away to speak to some other friends of mine mid song and he walked over, asked me to dance. As that song ended, he kissed me. He kissed me and I think that led to my spiral downward that I mentioned before, he didn’t even feel the need to actually talk about it afterwards until I brought it up.It’s like he wants to see if he still affects me, and he’s right every time.
  8. I am so so so so so much stronger than him. I can breathe without him, I am lovable, I am beautiful, I deserve to be nurtured and cared for properly, and I fucking deserve to live. There will be times that I may falter when I see him, my breath may quicken ever so slightly the minute our eyes meet but I know damn well I can reach inside myself and find the willpower to never let him in again.

He will not erase my name.

Intrusive: a spoken word

 

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I want you to think, I want you to imagine, I want you to step into my shoes for a moment.

You had the best feeling you could ever EVER have with someone.

But you had to leave, not just for yourself but for him as well because above all else HEALTH must come before all wants and needs.

And you go to bed with guilt rising from the stomach into your  throat praying to God that you’ll wake up and he’ll still exist in the world for one more day.

You’ll never know what it feels like to truly touch him again because honey, you’re the mistake.

Because from now on you are a walking VOID of seduction with the scars of his past etched onto your skin and lingering on your lips.

The sound of your name makes him itch and scratch, pawing at the now raw skin that resides beneath his clothes.

He knows you would never hurt him and that’s what scares him the most.

Because you still care, and he doesn’t know why.

You imagine him staring up at his ceiling fan late at night asking why, why WHY, why am I still alive?

My love you fail to realize that YOU are his poison, YOU are the contamination he cannot control.

I want you to think, I want you to imagine.

The only bridge you have between you and him is someone you love like family.

But he goes to HER, she goes to HIM, he talks to HER, she talks to HIM, and you sit there and wait for an update.

You sit there and twiddle your thumbs like a scared little girl because you realize how insignificant you are.

It is not jealousy that bubbles underneath the surface of your skin.

It is the pure hatred of yourself and who you are.

How does it feel to know that the one person you care about the most can’t stand to look at you without feeling like they’re burning?

To know that whatever kindness you try to give will only make it worst.

 

To know that you are an INFECTION that ceases to heal itself.

My dear YOU are the problem, and I swear to GOD  you better bite down on that “I love you” unless you want him to reach for the noose.

Standing there, wide eyed and helpless, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.

I want you to think, I want you to imagine.

I want you to step into my shoes.

 

 

Confessions of my tired mind

Quick disclaimer: if  you know me and you have explicit instructions to never get on my page again (you know who the fuck you are, so why the fuck are you here?) Don’t you even dare read this post and once again might I ask, why the fuck are you here?

To the rest of you, happy reading 🙂


 

confessions of a tired mind

Bad habits are hard to shake man, and mine are making an infamous comeback.

It’s all so dense, so compacted into these last couple of months. One scandal after the other all involving me in some headache inducing way. And I haven’t properly said my feelings on the matter, which is leading me to fall back into these habits. These modes of self destruction.

So I will be honest here, in my little safe haven with all of you. I have to remind myself that my feelings are valid.

  1. Ever since I found out about the infamous sex scandal that occurred behind my back, I cannot stop comparing myself to the other girl. Big spoiler, lost my virginity to my now ex significant other so you know, doesn’t really help the self esteem. We agreed to not have sex again for awhile so instead he got it from some other chick. And not to be a total bitch or put down a fellow girl, but oh my gosh I have never disliked a girl in my entire life. I have never wanted to call another girl a whore but here we are. I see her all the time too, she gets a pass for this kind of shit. She gave me a weak ass apology and I wanted to slap her clear across the face because in that moment I realized she wasn’t actually sorry, she just wanted to clear her guilty mind. So here I am still wondering why I wasn’t good enough, why he had to go off with someone else–why he wasn’t thinking of me and my feelings that night.
  2. What’s crazy is that I forgave him, because I’m an idiot. OK, not an idiot per say, but just way too forgiving. I thought about the many stories you hear of resilient women that take back unfaithful men, how strong they are to stand by those that wrong them. Not because they are pushovers, but because they are proving a point; women are ethereal beings that deserve all the respect and honor you can give–be grateful for the mercy they give to some of you punks. And it wasn’t like he didn’t care afterwards, he still can’t look me in the eyes when we talk. In a way it proves to me that he’s regretful, so I forgave but best believe I will never forget.
  3. But now he’s my ex, and that wasn’t entirely my choice. Things got very bad very quickly and he was barely taking care of himself so I needed to step back and encourage him to do so. I miss him. Hasn’t even been a week and I miss being with him, like a lot. Seeing him everyday doesn’t help all that much, makes me even more regretful. He’s stopped by to check on me, which is actually very sweet; he knows that I miss him. Teases me about it actually, playful banter ensues and those are the moments that I’d wish he’d just shut up and kiss me. Because why the fuck are we pushing aside our wants just because of other people’s opinions? Wait, pause. This is when I get mad at myself, I can’t assume that he wants me too. I know that he cares about me still, but I can’t assume that he wants to give it another go–that’s selfish. I think this is the closest thing to love I’ve felt, or it might actually be it. But, I feel like I sound obsessive and whiny and it grosses me out. So I’ll end this tangent on that note.
  4. This one…this one is really hard to type out. I know she’s trying to help, be a good friend and all that and I appreciate it immensely. But there is this feeling of dread that is just mounting within me. Because I know how easily it is to fall back into attraction with that boy, heck I’m still in that boat. It would absolutely crush me if something happened. I know I’m not one to talk but like, wouldn’t you feel the same? Picture this, you and your friend both confessed that you like this boy and the boy flirts with her but in the end chooses to be with you. A very crappy situation but you two go through several rough patches before coming out with an OK friendship once gain; but then you find out that the boy slept with someone else, and for days he only talks to her and others you know. Imagine that? You have to ask ANOTHER girl for updates on your supposed boyfriend, a girl that once showed attraction towards him and vice versa. So now you’re broken up and guess fucking what? He is still corresponding with her, they have late night chats where he’s confessing and confiding. You see them in class and she’s stroking his arm comforting him. He’s giving her small smiles and laughs that you miss so damn much, but can barely meet your eyes when you offer him kindness. And you feel so stupid for being jealous or resentful, but how can you not? It’s not jealousy really because your mother always told you that jealousy is ugly–it’s fear of betrayal. It’s because both of these people have broken your trust to a certain degree once in the past so putting the two together doesn’t exactly make you feel warm and fuzzy. Oh god, if something did happen I just…I don’t know how I would put myself back together afterwards.

 

I needed to let that out before it started to manifest into something worst. I want to be happy, consistently and without barriers walling me in. I think letting all of those thoughts out is the first step to achieving said happiness. So if you took the time to read, thank you very much.

XOXO

xoxo

Today I learned that this blog– my safe place–was shared without my knowledge or consent, and I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life. I have no anger or resentment in my heart, no hatred. Just confusion and hurt; what do you get out of this?

A look into my personal anecdotes? My mediocre writing? I have made it virtually impossible to find this little world of mine, that was on purpose. The beauty of being able to freely express the small dither and droning of my mind has now been taken from me. I fear I’ll have to censor myself or else you’ll make a mockery of my work.

So there, are you happy? Is this what you wanted? I just don’t understand, honestly I don’t. In what twisted world is it right to pry into the privacy of another? The funny thing is, I have no ounce of care anymore–I’m tired of the drama. I only write this to make the message clear:

I know what you’ve said, what you’ve done and I pray that Karma/God/Fate will have mercy on your soul, but maybe your heart is still true in its own kind of way. I will not retaliate, why should I when a much greater force will sort it out for me?

That Night.

that-night

 

He didn’t make me do anything, I was given the choice. Yes or no, that’s all i had to say and everything would change.

I don’t know why I’m typing it all out now, it happened 3 months ago–we’re together now and everything. But for some reason  I need to explain uncensored– because sometimes I still feel the guilt crawling at my skin. I still feel disgusting, unworthy to speak to anyone I come across.

But I was given a choice.

It started off small, confessions of harmless attraction through a phone screen; hints of flirtation. I thought He wanted her, I was sure of it actually and it stung, but I felt that if it had to be someone I knew, I wanted it to be a friend–someone I loved. So I didn’t think twice about the late night hangouts at my house, the occasional brush of hands or slow smiles. I thought I was simply another faceless body.

Then the uncomfortable ache around my boyfriend began to grow stronger, I didn’t mind being apart from him as much. Little things about him annoyed me more and more–I didn’t know if I loved in the way he wanted me to. I felt this pressure to always be happy because why be sad? You can just simply get over a mental illness right? It was a naive notion that I couldn’t believe in anymore; and I made the mistake of confiding in Him, something you don’t do with someone you’re somewhat attracted to.

They voiced their concern, all of my friends. They questioned if I was truly happy and I had to figure out for myself if I was; I had hour long conversations with my mom, I decided to end things with my boyfriend after winter break–but I didn’t know it would come sooner.

We were at my house; two of my friends, one being the girl I thought he wanted as much as she wanted Him, and the boy with the eyes too dark to comprehend. A cake was being baked, it was a nice time. I was alone with Him, maybe that was the first mistake but things were said and that’s when I knew He wanted me. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I left the conversation there. Until the next day.

Once again they all came over and once again I was alone in the kitchen with Him; that’s when I was given the ultimatum. Say yes to a kiss, just one. If not, we would forget the idea ever came up. Now I deserve no time to appeal with some background but I must tell this with an uncensored mind.

This boy standing before me was one that I had wanted only 3 years ago, and I had wished that someday His feelings would change from platonic and He would see me differently. Here I was, seeing all of that heartbreak and pining splayed out in an almost cruel way; it was as if God himself was shaking his head at this tumultuous crossroads of my life.

So what do you when a dream you thought had died resurrects before you and asks for you to believe in it once again? Do you turn away and wonder what might have been?

I wish I could say I was thinking of consequences when I made my choice, I wish I could say that I was firm in my answer and told him to leave my home. But, I didn’t–I remember standing there, trembling slightly as this notion swam through my head. I remember a J.Cole song was playing low in the background but nothing else mattered in that moment. So with a heavy heart I must confess that I said yes to Him. And sadly it was the best kiss I ever received; because that dream revived.

I cheated. And it’s a horrible case of irony since I’ve felt a similar pain not too long ago. I did something terrible to a human being, he may not ever trust relationships again because of me. I think of that from time to time, and as horrible as this sounds I’m with the boy I cheated with. He makes me happy.

He gives me a feeling so profound that words do not describe, and I know my dear readers that I have blogged about other boys before on this page. You may scoff and roll your eyes expecting this to last only a mere couple of months before I am back to writing about another infamous heartbreak.

And maybe I will, who knows? But I enjoy living in the present with him.

Anyway, this all did ruin my other relationships of course; my ex and I have only spoken once in person in the past 3 months, my relationship with the friend who also liked the boy is now in shambles–it’s rough. I only hope that someday they will both forgive me wholeheartedly for every mistake I have made with them, it is selfish to ask but I need her in my life. She’s my best friend.

But friends don’t ask such things of each other, I know that. So I’m giving us both time.

As for my ex, I just don’t know. He’s moved on with a new girl and I am 100% happy for him. They’re quite cute together actually, though it’s weird I notice some similarities between her and I. But I do miss being his friend, and I hope someday I’ll have the honor of being one. I hurt him, he kind of hurt me in a way too–but humans were not intended to be perfect.

So this is why I confess this to you all, whomever will take the time to read it. Because even though others say they forgive me, I need to actually forgive myself.

I should not feel guilt for the happiness I feel each time his lips utter my name so eloquently or anytime his easy smirk makes my heart dance.

One should simply learn to accept their mistakes, to confess their sins and then continue to exist. Only then can we all have closure.