White noise

 

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“Are you ok?” Um no not really thanks for asking.

“ Is everything ok?” Define ok.

“How can I help?” I don’t know, I’m sorry but I really don’t know.

“What’s going on with you?”  I just, I can’t breathe, I feel numb but everything is on fire.

“Why do you look so down?” Oh it’s nothing see look I’m smiling, I’m smiling I promise.

“I’m here ok I promise.” You said that before, you left me before.

“You’re not alone I’m here.” Then why do I feel so far away?

“You’re special you are, I promise.” How? Tell me how. Tell me. See, you can’t.

“Let me help you.” I never tried to stop you. You just gave up.

“Look at how many people love you.” I know, fuck you, I know, and I love you.

“You’d really do that to them? Really?” Please I just, I can’t breathe. It hurts. I’m hurt.

Give me a reason to stay on this earth. A real reason.

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Orange is the color of confusion and anticipation.

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I do not know who I am. I sit here and I listen to these voices screaming over one another for my attention, my help, and I have no care. I can’t will myself to talk about the same problems and not have anyone consider the solutions I offer. I can barely will myself to care about my own well being.

I am dying. I can feel it. I know that something is dying off within me. I feel orange. I feel so orange all of the time. Who knows what is breathing its last breaths within me? Is it a physical thing? Or is my brain just slowly leaving me.

I can barely concentrate, I haven’t told anyone this but it’s harder for me to write down things, my brain jumbles up the words and my fingers fumble over themselves. I get more headaches, my mood swings ravage my mind and leave me dehydrated from all the tears I cry.

And I can’t stop thinking about love, and who deserves my love. Who I would want to say goodbye to when I finally leave, who I want to kiss.

I can’t stop thinking about kissing, the act of kissing, the meanings behind it. I can’t stop thinking about people noticing me. Am I noticeable? Have I left an imprint on the strangers I walk by.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? And why am I so orange?