retrospect

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You are not a bad person for standing strong in your convictions, for standing up for yourself.

And you are certainly not bad for keeping some at arms length rather than sharing every detail of your life. That is healthy, that is how one should live. It is not wrong to have your own secrets.

It is not wrong to keep them at bay. That does not equate to shutting people out.

things I wish I’d known a long time ago

Wonder

 

wonder

Sometimes I wonder what it was like being with you, I’m starting to slowly forget.

I wonder if your voice sounds different; can a voice change in only a few months?

I wonder if you ever hung up that poster, or if you just simply threw it away after you found out about him.

Do you wear the shirt too? Or is that gone along with the poster.

I wonder if you’re happy. I really hope you are, that’s something we all could use a bit of.

I hope you’re happy for the right reasons, spite will sometimes cloud our judgement and falsely convince us otherwise.

Do you call me bitch? A slut? Maybe even a whore? I don’t deserve such deplorable words, but I understand.

This is extremely vain but, do you still find me beautiful? I wonder if this is why I catch you staring at me if I pass by, you’re not all that subtle.

I also wonder about your dog, how is she? She was always such a cutie, I miss your dog dude. Can I ask you about the dog?

Am I allowed to ever say hi to you? Will we ever strike up a conversation without awkward tension or do we have to still pretend the other person doesn’t exist?

Finally, will you ever read this? Do you check in on my blog from time to time? Is the URL burned into your memory or still open in your phone browser? Or have you simply deleted all of the memories filled with me, because I’m starting to forget–are you?

EXODUS: 4

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I could feel the bile rising in my throat, my vision was becoming blurry and my jaw ached from clenching it so hard. The bag containing our takeout laid by my feet with its’ contents spilled about; you couldn’t see me–and maybe that was a good thing. You didn’t see the way my body shook as I tried to hold back the sobs threatening to escape their confines; you were too busy inhaling the person sprawled across your living room couch.

I watched you graze your fingertips over their exposed skin, I watched them nip at your neck and your eyes roll back into your skull with pleasure washing over your face. I stood there outside your house watching my soul shatter into a million pieces. I was paralyzed with so many emotions that I couldn’t even make sense of, that is until you pulled away from them and saw me.

You frowned ever so slightly before untangling yourself from the couch and moving towards the window, I turned and ran.

I heard the window slide open  behind me and the way you yelled my name stabbed me in the chest. With each leap I took I allowed the tears to flow from my eyes–this pain urged me to run faster–to forget that you never even knew how much I had wanted to love you.

 

 

We tend to think of ourselves more important than we really are

In your eyes, I was a confidant 

A lifelong friend 

At one point, a drunken mistake 

In my eyes, I was your soulmate 

You were my moon, my stars, and so much more 

We tend to think of ourselves more important than we really are

 

I know what you’re thinking, what the actual hell was this chapter??? Well, keep in mind that I said this story is just snapshots of these two peoples lives–it may not follow a linear path. This whole thing could be out of order, that’s all up to the reader’s interpretation. I will say that there are still a lot more chapters in this story–this is not the end…or is it? It was definitely a little bit harder to write this chapter considering how sweet the other three are. Also don’t listen to Skinny Love while reading this because I just bawled my eyes out. Happy reading kiddos!

-One girl