Hello I am here to give a little update on my life, things are very good at the moment.
I’ve gotten closer to a lot of different people, old friends and new; I enjoy this so very much because I’m allowing myself to glow and prosper at my full potential.
That’s another thing, realizing my full potential. It’s something that has provided so much new love and happiness that I didn’t know I could provide for myself before; something I know cannot be taken away by anyone but myself. For the first time I’m not relying on another human being to make me happy—which is quite mature in my eyes.
And I feel no guilt for growing, changing, becoming my better self. I’ve come to terms that if I lose people in the process of my individual growth that it’s ok. I’ve already manually cut off the negative parts of my life and no longer seek revenge for those who have wronged me; I only hope they find peace within their heartbreaking souls.
So who knows what’s next for me this upcoming year, it’s my senior year which is a big one. I just wish for success in areas of my life that I strive in, people that love me and genuinely push for my excellence, and finally for this glow to remain unchanged and constant.
My dear little sister,
I write to you now typing with one hand on a small phone screen as the other smooths your hair while you drift off to sleep. It is in this moment I can forget that soon you will be 13 years old, for you will always be my little one.
Day by day you grow and as these moments drift in and out I can still see glimpses of your innocence. Nights like these are gentle reminders that you are still maturing and finding your way.
You walked into my room this evening with tears rolling down your cheeks, you gave a gentle salutation and went to your room without another sound; but then I heard your whimpers. I walked in your room and asked what was wrong, you said it was your head but I knew it was your heart. So I curled up next to you on your bed in the dark and held you until finally your eyes shut.
We fight a lot, you and I, but no matter how angry I get or how frustrating you can be you are my little baby. The one thing in this world I couldn’t bear to lose. But still I don’t think you realize how much I care, how much I am willing to care for you when our own mother turns the other cheek.
Tonight is the first night that I have realized this time next year I will be in the process of moving out and starting anew, and you will be on your way to high school; both of us starting new yet frightening chapters.
I just want you to know that whenever you need me, no matter how far away I seem, I will always come back to hold you in the dark and wait until you fall asleep.
your big sister.
I don’t know what to write about but here I am typing away on this damn keyboard.
I am different waves of emotion, happy yet sad yet for some reason boiling with rage. I was in London a short while ago for 9 days with fellow theatre kids from my school; the memories of the trip are too plentiful to record here but just know that I was the happiest I have been with other people in a very long time. Each night was filled with the sounds of my shrill laughter and countless inside jokes I will treasure for years to come.
And I really miss it. God, I miss it. The expectation of my life had melted away, I was my authentic self–nothing held back. All of the thoughts that were echoed from my lips were celebrated by all who listened, and the support and love I felt from the masses was incredible.
Sadly, life seems duller back home. I’ve tried really hard not to feel this way, to not make others feel like their efforts are inadequate, but going from 9 whole days of action filled adventures to idly sitting around your house isn’t the easiest of transitions. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells again; not knowing how to properly act around people in my life is one of my biggest pet peeves. It sounds selfish I know, but I had gotten comfortable with not having to diminish myself for the sake of others.
I had no worries. I could breathe without worrying about the people around me, without having to constantly check up on others. And although you would think being around certain people would worsen my mental health progress, it strengthened it. It allowed me to face my past trauma and stare it straight down–making it cower and shrivel away.
So I fear being back will undo all of that progress, that not being forced to cope with my demons will allow me to relax back into unhealthy habits of over analyzing and bottling up the smallest sign of distress. I just need routine to keep my ever so wandering mind from pulling me near the edge again.
Or maybe a person…I haven’t seriously considered needing a person in my life again. Yes, I’ve professed wanting a body to hold or kiss from time to time, but never really anything meaningful. I miss having something tangible to call my own; a pair of eyes shining brightly, an adorable smile, hands to reach out and hold close to my heart or encircling my face with a touch identical to brush strokes on a canvas.
I think I’ve just had an epiphany.
I have silently suffered this past week, not telling anyone the full severity of my mental anguish.
But in one simple action I have undone all of my progress.
I am now numb once again.
You have changed me with the simplest of touches and I have forgotten who I was before.
And it feels good.
You are not a bad person for standing strong in your convictions, for standing up for yourself.
And you are certainly not bad for keeping some at arms length rather than sharing every detail of your life. That is healthy, that is how one should live. It is not wrong to have your own secrets.
It is not wrong to keep them at bay. That does not equate to shutting people out.
–things I wish I’d known a long time ago
Sometimes I wonder what it was like being with you, I’m starting to slowly forget.
I wonder if your voice sounds different; can a voice change in only a few months?
I wonder if you ever hung up that poster, or if you just simply threw it away after you found out about him.
Do you wear the shirt too? Or is that gone along with the poster.
I wonder if you’re happy. I really hope you are, that’s something we all could use a bit of.
I hope you’re happy for the right reasons, spite will sometimes cloud our judgement and falsely convince us otherwise.
Do you call me bitch? A slut? Maybe even a whore? I don’t deserve such deplorable words, but I understand.
This is extremely vain but, do you still find me beautiful? I wonder if this is why I catch you staring at me if I pass by, you’re not all that subtle.
I also wonder about your dog, how is she? She was always such a cutie, I miss your dog dude. Can I ask you about the dog?
Am I allowed to ever say hi to you? Will we ever strike up a conversation without awkward tension or do we have to still pretend the other person doesn’t exist?
Finally, will you ever read this? Do you check in on my blog from time to time? Is the URL burned into your memory or still open in your phone browser? Or have you simply deleted all of the memories filled with me, because I’m starting to forget–are you?