I used to use this blog as a support system. I used to divulge all the key details of my life and every intimate feeling I stumbled across on this screen.
Now I just tell them, I tell the people I love what they mean to me instead of sharing it out into cyberspace. I think I used this as a crutch, a way to indirectly share what I felt. But that isn’t real, that isn’t the way life is. Things are fleeting and you have to tell the people who matter to you their worth to their faces. Pour out your heart, let the vulnerable stares encapture you and lead you to utter bliss of the unknowing.
I grieve, I am grieving. But I am also celebrating. I’m 102 pounds of light now, a healthy weight, a good weight. One filled with happiness and adoration for what life has given me.
I wish no pain upon those who have hurt me, I truly don’t. I put up this facade like I’m hard and sharp but I am delicate; it is a trait I now wear proudly. My heart is gentle, it is big, it is forgiving and I am thankful.
In this harsh world we lack love; we lack an understanding of each other, but when we hold on to the good things—the beautiful things—how then can the grays of this earth reach us?
These are new colors, I have not seen them before; I quite enjoy them, I really do.
Wow what a long hiatus I’m a little shook in all honesty, I didn’t plan on being gone for so long. Things are so lovely as of recent actually, although I feel my mental health deteriorating.
It’s not too alarming, I’m aware of the decline I just need counseling I suspect; sometimes we start dipping for no reason and I think that’s what is occurring now. January, a time for resolutions and beginnings. I’ve made my own resolutions that I intend to put into further action and I’d like to share them with you.
1. If they don’t put in effort, you aren’t obligated to do so. Don’t force connections.
2. Love him. Love him fiercely, love him without apology. Love him until it’s time to let go, but hopefully that isn’t for a bit.
3. Step out and open yourself to new people. I’ve already started and I’m liking where I’m going.
4. Remind yourself that you are beautiful. He calls me too pure for this harsh world, I’m his sweet bumble and I must remind myself of that.
5. Keep pushing till the end. It’s my last semester, I intend to have zero regrets. I intend to stick up for myself and call out disrespect when it comes my way. I intend to fall in love with myself.
I am made to be far more wonderful than I am right now, I can feel it, others can see it. It’s so beautiful to realize your full potential.
“Are you ok?” Um no not really thanks for asking.
“ Is everything ok?” Define ok.
“How can I help?” I don’t know, I’m sorry but I really don’t know.
“What’s going on with you?” I just, I can’t breathe, I feel numb but everything is on fire.
“Why do you look so down?” Oh it’s nothing see look I’m smiling, I’m smiling I promise.
“I’m here ok I promise.” You said that before, you left me before.
“You’re not alone I’m here.” Then why do I feel so far away?
“You’re special you are, I promise.” How? Tell me how. Tell me. See, you can’t.
“Let me help you.” I never tried to stop you. You just gave up.
“Look at how many people love you.” I know, fuck you, I know, and I love you.
“You’d really do that to them? Really?” Please I just, I can’t breathe. It hurts. I’m hurt.
Give me a reason to stay on this earth. A real reason.
“You tempt me and I don’t know how to retaliate. It’s like a drug. I’m addicted but don’t want help.”
– an excerpt from this tulmutous chapter of my life
To you I say,
You are my equal parts in the form of never ending sunshine. You provide me with a warm glow that I can’t quite pin down and yet it seems it’s never the right time for us. It’s like everyone knows we should end up together—hell even we know—but some force keeps us from admitting anything directly. So we speak in code, a code I can barely decipher and sometimes feel like I’m making up half the time. But you are everything I’m supposed to have; not perfect, but completely the fixation of my adoration. Is third time the charm? Or is it just simply three strikes and you’re out?
To him I say,
I want you so much right now. Asking you for help that night didn’t feel like a mistake but now I know I’ve done some damage to all the work I put forth before; the addictive symptoms have returned and all I want is to hear you say my name. Just once, to hear your voice might stop the incessant pang I feel meeting your gaze across the hall. I ache for you, I find myself wondering what would happen if I proposed something casual—just something to cease this longing and gnawing within my mind.
I am too beautiful of a soul to focus on such trivial nonsense but here I am finding myself backed into a corner. You are what is right for me I believe, to see where we could go gives me anticipation beyond my wildest dreams.
But he, he leaves me with burning desire. I need him to extinguish the spark somehow; staying away from me doesn’t help, it only makes me wish for him more. He can’t hurt me anymore. I know this, he’s done all he can do to break me but I am still breathing; but for him to disregard the fact that I am strong—that I am alive—may send me 6 feet under once again.
Oh my fickle heart, I despise you.
Time for a life update, let’s do this.
Next Monday I will officially be a senior, and I am beyond excited/nervous. I’m really just hoping for a drama and stress free school environment.
My last post was an open letter which could have been assumed while reading it; as you may have gathered I am no longer friends with someone I was very close with. After the initial shock wore off and had my time to cry a few tears I am happy to report that I am for the most part ok with everything. Of course it’s hard to not feel a little sad when things go so awry and get so very messy but now I’m just in the mindset of “it happened and now we move on”. I’m not going to waste anymore energy writing about it (wasting word count is never wise), no more analyzing what might be said about me within other parties (if you have nothing productive to say, why speak?) and no fake smiles will be casted to anyone; if I want to engage with you I will, if I believe there’s genuity I’m not going to be rude or petty or any fake shit you might expect from me. So that’s that on that.
Today I received two messages from two separate numbers that had me floored. I recently changed phones so a lot of number I newly saved weren’t transferred to my new phone.
The first message was from a gal pal who proceeded to tell me how much she loved me, a drunk text of course. But we had a great little chuckle before catching up a bit.
The second message was from a boy, AND OH BOY DID I FREAK OUT. He wanted to hang out but I sadly was unavailable (missed opportunities I cry every time). If I’m completely honest I thought it was a set up and still am a bit wary but we may hang out in the near future which shall be fun, he’s a fun dude.
But yeah that’s basically the main points of my life right now (there’s a lot of familial issues but I wanted this post to be for the most part positive). I know that my life is gonna be positive moving forward, and I know that everything that happens occurs to benefit me in some hidden way.
So I shall venture on and find these new and exciting benefits.