I am a person who always initiates things, something I’ve been more aware of this past month as I’ve grown. I think this is what has been my downfall and part of the reason things went so terribly for me earlier in the year; I put effort into things/people that don’t really meet me halfway.
I always make excuses for them, mainly because I know people have reasons to be a bit more forgetful or unable to hold meaningful conversations/provide mutual care. But also because I know I too used to struggle with keeping my head above the water to do even the simplest of tasks. And yet, I know know where to draw my line of tolerance.
Another factor I’ve noticed is how no matter how hard I try I am always made to feel less than–or like I’m not doing enough–and I would accept this. I would let people tell me how I was acting, who I was, the way they perceived my character and how it negatively affected them wasn’t to benefit me. All it did was make me loathe myself even more, question everything I said or did and ultimately view myself as a villain.
I am not a villain, and I do not deserve the treatment I have been given. I am proud of my growth, my ability to spread beyond my comfortable little box and engage with new and exciting people. Yes my tongue is now sharper, but I am simply done with making efforts that are seemingly void; efforts that just seem to fuel others egos.
I am showing those around me that I am not always going to be around, and I am irreplaceable–I hope they feel my absence and know that they caused it. And let it be clear that I am not asking for them to come back and prove to me that they value me more than they have shown–I don’t need that confidence boost when I already have it within myself.
This is what I want to be made clear:
I am an amazing friend, significant other, and most importantly a remarkable human being.
I will demand to be treated as such and nothing less.
The past few days have been dizzying. I have been hurt in more ways I can count but I cannot walk away. Am I a fool? Most definitely, but at least I’m aware.
I worry about him, I worry about his sanity–the things that swirl around in his head. So maybe that’s why I chose to stay, because I have this gut feeling; I have this premonition that I am needed right now. But at the same time I am not.
I think people think I’m stupid, careless even. They may think I blindly put my faith in others–oh how wrong they are. I am selective with who I choose to invest in, I must be convinced. And maybe I am shoveling in hours of effort into an empty shell but at least there’s somebody out here trying. I refuse to be another name added to the list of people that have wronged or been wronged by him.
I would rather share whatever light I have been told is possessed within myself, to be that one friendly face among the sea of loathing. I don’t know how long I’ll have, I don’t really care. As long as I can say that I might’ve made some people around me a little bit better I think I’ve done something right.
What can I say? I’m just a silly girl with the stars shining in her eyes.
- Life is kinda hard sometimes.
- Puppies make it worth living.
- You should never let other people make you feel bad for existing–you are a necessary light in this world.
- All emotions are valid, express them.
- Allow yourself to take a break from reality; read a book, write some poetry, just simply exist for a moment.
- Never ever doubt yourself, you’ll never know if you never try and you just might be surprised with how things turn out.
- Start painting again–it was the greatest choice you ever made.
- Heartbreak feels permanent but you’ll laugh at how quickly you forget how you felt about him.
- You deserve the love that you have been given.
- Sing more…at the top of your lungs if you want.
- Don’t make the excuse that you’re living for them–it’s time to live for yourself.
- Lists are hard to make.
- Remember the little things.
- It’s OK to be a little weird and quirky, those are your best traits.
- Savor the time that you have, it goes by quite quickly.
- I’m proud of you, we did it. 16 years–and many more ahead.
oh wow I’m a year older today 🙂