I used to use this blog as a support system. I used to divulge all the key details of my life and every intimate feeling I stumbled across on this screen.
Now I just tell them, I tell the people I love what they mean to me instead of sharing it out into cyberspace. I think I used this as a crutch, a way to indirectly share what I felt. But that isn’t real, that isn’t the way life is. Things are fleeting and you have to tell the people who matter to you their worth to their faces. Pour out your heart, let the vulnerable stares encapture you and lead you to utter bliss of the unknowing.
I grieve, I am grieving. But I am also celebrating. I’m 102 pounds of light now, a healthy weight, a good weight. One filled with happiness and adoration for what life has given me.
I wish no pain upon those who have hurt me, I truly don’t. I put up this facade like I’m hard and sharp but I am delicate; it is a trait I now wear proudly. My heart is gentle, it is big, it is forgiving and I am thankful.
In this harsh world we lack love; we lack an understanding of each other, but when we hold on to the good things—the beautiful things—how then can the grays of this earth reach us?
These are new colors, I have not seen them before; I quite enjoy them, I really do.
Wow what a long hiatus I’m a little shook in all honesty, I didn’t plan on being gone for so long. Things are so lovely as of recent actually, although I feel my mental health deteriorating.
It’s not too alarming, I’m aware of the decline I just need counseling I suspect; sometimes we start dipping for no reason and I think that’s what is occurring now. January, a time for resolutions and beginnings. I’ve made my own resolutions that I intend to put into further action and I’d like to share them with you.
1. If they don’t put in effort, you aren’t obligated to do so. Don’t force connections.
2. Love him. Love him fiercely, love him without apology. Love him until it’s time to let go, but hopefully that isn’t for a bit.
3. Step out and open yourself to new people. I’ve already started and I’m liking where I’m going.
4. Remind yourself that you are beautiful. He calls me too pure for this harsh world, I’m his sweet bumble and I must remind myself of that.
5. Keep pushing till the end. It’s my last semester, I intend to have zero regrets. I intend to stick up for myself and call out disrespect when it comes my way. I intend to fall in love with myself.
I am made to be far more wonderful than I am right now, I can feel it, others can see it. It’s so beautiful to realize your full potential.
I believe in soulmates.
Not in the traditional sense, not one person matching up with one out of this ever growing mass of people. No there are multiple soulmates for a person, I hold this near and dear to my heart, it’s a comfort really.
We change and grow all the time, there are different paths we can take, with each path there is an infinite amount of possibilities. Thus leading us to different people. Different soulmates for different periods in our lives. Who you are now will not be who you are 5 years down the line.
What you like or don’t like is always subject to change. Who’s to say the number of people you can ideally match with can’t change either?
I’ve met my soulmate for this time. This period right now in my life, and he is so beautiful. It’s different with him, I’m serious. I’ve said it before but I feel this time in my body, my soul—not just my mind.
We’re so alike it’s like I’m talking to myself sometimes, everything he is in itself is enchanting. He speaks to me and I hear it, I don’t just listen. I am not afraid of loving him, it feels right—natural—like I’m meant to be in his life. Just as he is in mine, flipping the world upside down with just a glance.
Who I was at the beginning of this month pales in comparison to now. I was so sad, wanting so badly to close my eyes and not ever open them again. Now the fire I had on my fingertips is igniting once more and I’m back to who I was in the summer, maybe even stronger actually.
I feel Fate’s warm love seeping over me for the first time and I am so so grateful. How on earth did such a blessing stumble upon me?
“Are you ok?” Um no not really thanks for asking.
“ Is everything ok?” Define ok.
“How can I help?” I don’t know, I’m sorry but I really don’t know.
“What’s going on with you?” I just, I can’t breathe, I feel numb but everything is on fire.
“Why do you look so down?” Oh it’s nothing see look I’m smiling, I’m smiling I promise.
“I’m here ok I promise.” You said that before, you left me before.
“You’re not alone I’m here.” Then why do I feel so far away?
“You’re special you are, I promise.” How? Tell me how. Tell me. See, you can’t.
“Let me help you.” I never tried to stop you. You just gave up.
“Look at how many people love you.” I know, fuck you, I know, and I love you.
“You’d really do that to them? Really?” Please I just, I can’t breathe. It hurts. I’m hurt.
Give me a reason to stay on this earth. A real reason.
I do not know who I am. I sit here and I listen to these voices screaming over one another for my attention, my help, and I have no care. I can’t will myself to talk about the same problems and not have anyone consider the solutions I offer. I can barely will myself to care about my own well being.
I am dying. I can feel it. I know that something is dying off within me. I feel orange. I feel so orange all of the time. Who knows what is breathing its last breaths within me? Is it a physical thing? Or is my brain just slowly leaving me.
I can barely concentrate, I haven’t told anyone this but it’s harder for me to write down things, my brain jumbles up the words and my fingers fumble over themselves. I get more headaches, my mood swings ravage my mind and leave me dehydrated from all the tears I cry.
And I can’t stop thinking about love, and who deserves my love. Who I would want to say goodbye to when I finally leave, who I want to kiss.
I can’t stop thinking about kissing, the act of kissing, the meanings behind it. I can’t stop thinking about people noticing me. Am I noticeable? Have I left an imprint on the strangers I walk by.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? And why am I so orange?
The sun and moon are a perplexing duo.
Here she was, an emblem of light and beauty—the source of all life casting herself away so the pesky moon could have his moment from time to time. Or so everyone told her.
And the moon was a headache inducing disappearing act; only showing glimpses of himself before finally uncovering his full potential once every so often. Yes, he provided a cool glow in the dark of the night, and of course there were so many clichés about the beauty of the moonlight. But that wasn’t his real source of power. He pulled people in just as he would the tides, intoxicating everyone in his wake.
This dark nature should have turned the sun away, as it had so many people before her, but instead it encouraged her. She wanted him to shine, to sparkle just like she did each morning.
My dear, the moon isn’t taking anything from our precious sun, she is simply carrying him with her light, with her love.
“You tempt me and I don’t know how to retaliate. It’s like a drug. I’m addicted but don’t want help.”
– an excerpt from this tulmutous chapter of my life