White noise

 

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“Are you ok?” Um no not really thanks for asking.

“ Is everything ok?” Define ok.

“How can I help?” I don’t know, I’m sorry but I really don’t know.

“What’s going on with you?”  I just, I can’t breathe, I feel numb but everything is on fire.

“Why do you look so down?” Oh it’s nothing see look I’m smiling, I’m smiling I promise.

“I’m here ok I promise.” You said that before, you left me before.

“You’re not alone I’m here.” Then why do I feel so far away?

“You’re special you are, I promise.” How? Tell me how. Tell me. See, you can’t.

“Let me help you.” I never tried to stop you. You just gave up.

“Look at how many people love you.” I know, fuck you, I know, and I love you.

“You’d really do that to them? Really?” Please I just, I can’t breathe. It hurts. I’m hurt.

Give me a reason to stay on this earth. A real reason.

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Levis Cordis

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To you I say,

You are my equal parts in the form of never ending sunshine. You provide me with a warm glow that I can’t quite pin down and yet it seems it’s never the right time for us. It’s like everyone knows we should end up together—hell even we know—but some force keeps us from admitting anything directly. So we speak in code, a code I can barely decipher and sometimes feel like I’m making up half the time. But you are everything I’m supposed to have; not perfect, but completely the fixation of my adoration. Is third time the charm? Or is it just simply three strikes and you’re out?

To him I say,

I want you so much right now. Asking you for help that night didn’t feel like a mistake but now I know I’ve done some damage to all the work I put forth before; the addictive symptoms have returned and all I want is to hear you say my name. Just once, to hear your voice might stop the incessant pang I feel meeting your gaze across the hall. I ache for you, I find myself wondering what would happen if I proposed something casual—just something to cease this longing and gnawing within my mind.

I am too beautiful of a soul to focus on such trivial nonsense but here I am finding myself backed into a corner. You are what is right for me I believe, to see where we could go gives me anticipation beyond my wildest dreams.

But he, he leaves me with burning desire. I need him to extinguish the spark somehow; staying away from me doesn’t help, it only makes me wish for him more. He can’t hurt me anymore. I know this, he’s done all he can do to break me but I am still breathing; but for him to disregard the fact that I am strong—that I am alive—may send me 6 feet under once again.

Oh my fickle heart, I despise you.

 

Moving Onward and Upwards

 

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Time for a life update, let’s do this.

Next Monday I will officially be a senior, and I am beyond excited/nervous. I’m really just hoping for a drama and stress free school environment.

My last post was an open letter which could have been assumed while reading it; as you may have gathered I am no longer friends with someone I was very close with. After the initial shock wore off and had my time to cry a few tears I am happy to report that I am for the most part ok with everything. Of course it’s hard to not feel a little sad when things go so awry and get so very messy but now I’m just in the mindset of “it happened and now we move on”. I’m not going to waste anymore energy writing about it (wasting word count is never wise), no more analyzing what might be said about me within other parties (if you have nothing productive to say, why speak?) and no fake smiles will be casted to anyone; if I want to engage with you I will, if I believe there’s genuity I’m not going to be rude or petty or any fake shit you might expect from me. So that’s that on that.

Today I received two messages from two separate numbers that had me floored. I recently changed phones so a lot of number I newly saved weren’t transferred to my new phone.

The first message was from a gal pal who proceeded to tell me how much she loved me, a drunk text of course. But we had a great little chuckle before catching up a bit.

The second message was from a boy, AND OH BOY DID I FREAK OUT. He wanted to hang out but I sadly was unavailable (missed opportunities I cry every time). If I’m completely honest I thought it was a set up and still am a bit wary but we may hang out in the near future which shall be fun, he’s a fun dude.

But yeah that’s basically the main points of my life right now (there’s a lot of familial issues but I wanted this post to be for the most part positive). I know that my life is gonna be positive moving forward, and I know that everything that happens occurs to benefit me in some hidden way.

So I shall venture on and find these new and exciting benefits.

Goodbye.

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I don’t know what to type but um, I’m going to type out all that’s been going on in my head/life and see if that helps because I’m, something very wrong is happening.

There are three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth. Human memory likes to trick us, and memory is not at all perfect, so don’t try to recite a story and expect it to be 100% true and the only truth. When someone tells you you hurt them, you don’t have the right to say you didn’t; you don’t know in what way exactly you’ve hurt them because we weren’t made to perfectly articulate emotions.

I do not paint people out to be villains. Let’s get that straight. I tell my side of the story, you tell yours. But I only tell others my opinion, what I see, they have their own opinions and their own interpretations they make for themselves.

But I’m not hear to talk about that, I’m done. I know I’m a good person, I know I give people far more chances than I should and love them wherever they are in life. I don’t fucking give up on people and I hate that about myself.

So anyways, what’s been going on with me you ask? Good old paranoia, family lying to me and messing up my friendships, more mental and verbal abuse under my roof in the span of 3 days than ever in my life, and my personal fave my mother—my reason for breathing and the only reason I choose to breathe myself—threatening to leave my father for good. It’s lovely, it’s so enriching, it makes me wish I lived far away and didn’t have to breathe.

I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit this year, in every sense of the word. I’m not afraid to point out my flaws, I know I can be a fake bitch. Something I’ve been working on this entire summer; telling people what exactly  inconveniences me, what they’re doing that hurts me instead of running around and telling others.

Because of this I’m increasingly aware of the fairness I let myself tolerate, that I contributed to. Gossiping about others, being nice to their faces and excusing that as being mature. It’s not being mature it’s being a fucking snake and I’m tired of excusing it.

Sometimes people bring out the best and worst in you, I noticed I would succumb to the gossip more and more around certain people and realized how detrimental it was to me. How unhealthy for both of us it was to feed into it all.

I wasn’t a good person this year, I know it. This year was the worst of my life, I hurt people with my actions and words because of my internal struggles although that is no excuse. But it was never my intention.

I try so hard to not be this evil bitch and yet it found its way out this year. But I’m not going to apologize for being flawed, I will apologize for taking it out on others.

I blocked you because I realized something chilling, after my sister told me the truth about what you said I realized it was easy for me to believe the lie because I have witnessed you say things about people but act like their best friend.

Dont try and deny, you did on this very day, you’ve said such mean spirited things about that girl but today I saw you acting as if you were friends just like you were when she was a freshman. You did the same when another girl got the role you wanted, said such mean things about her talent but smiled in her face when met in another show. So if you can do that and pull it off so easily how can I not be just a little bit suspicious that you would do the same to me?

I know you gave a lot in this friendship, I never asked you to do that and told you many times that it wasn’t necessary. What happened a few days ago was a complete misunderstanding with so many other layers that I can’t even begin to describe and I had to do an in depth reflection on this dynamic we have, or had if my deductions are correct.

You probably will scoff at this whole post, or see it as a superficial whatever and you know what? I don’t care. I’m being genuine, I wanted to talk things out and see if we can at least be aqquantinces; it seems like even that is a lost cause.

So I hope you have a good life, I hope you prosper in the future and  whatnot. If you need me (which you probably won’t want or have no use for any longer) you know where to find me.

In all honesty I don’t want this to be the final episode of our little sitcom but, I guess this is goodbye.

change in habits

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I am a person who always initiates things, something I’ve been more aware of this past month as I’ve grown. I think this is what has been my downfall and part of the reason things went so terribly for me earlier in the year; I put effort into things/people that don’t really meet me halfway.

I always make excuses for them, mainly because I know people have reasons to be a bit more forgetful or unable to hold meaningful conversations/provide mutual care. But also because I know I too used to struggle with keeping my head above the water to do even the simplest of tasks. And yet, I know know where to draw my line of tolerance.

Another factor I’ve noticed is how no matter how hard I try I am always made to feel less than–or like I’m not doing enough–and I would accept this. I would let people tell me how I was acting, who I was, the way they perceived my character and how it negatively affected them wasn’t to benefit me. All it did was make me loathe myself even more, question everything I said or did and ultimately view myself as a villain.

I am not a villain, and I do not deserve the treatment I have been given. I am proud of my growth, my ability to spread beyond my comfortable little box and engage with new and exciting people. Yes my tongue is now sharper, but I am simply done with making efforts that are seemingly void; efforts that just seem to fuel others egos.

I am showing those around me that I am not always going to be around, and I am irreplaceable–I hope they feel my absence and know that they caused it. And let it be clear that I am not asking for them to come back and prove to me that they value me more than they have shown–I don’t need that confidence boost when I already have it within myself.

This is what I want to be made clear:

I am an amazing friend, significant other, and most importantly a remarkable human being.

I will demand to be treated as such and nothing less.

fairytale land

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Once upon a time there was a girl just like you or me. She had her good days but most were lackluster, never terribly awful but you could tell things were dimmed.

She cried more times she’d care to admit to anyone but herself and poured all her love into others’ empty canteens. Now this wasn’t always a bad thing, it made her feel whole—less numb—but people take advantage of such kind souls.

Her friends compared her to the sun, a comparison she never really minded and secretly loved; the sun was life, it was everything she had forced herself to believe she was. But on the inside she was dying, the glow in her heart dangerously close to being snuffed out.

And it was. Day by day, bit by bit, ever so discreetly but oh so prominent the light dissipated. Her body was cold, frail, so very very vulnerable.

We all know these stories, we know that the girl finds her knight in shining armor to save the day and ignite life into the story.

But this is not that kind of story.

Instead of waiting for someone else to make her whole like she had so many times before, the girl did something even more remarkable and beautiful.

She reached deep down inside of herself and found the leftover remains of all the love she had placed aside for others; and with those delicate slivers she stitched and pasted together a different kind of love for herself.

A vibrant, solid kind of love that no one else can take; it grows in strength as you grow and fills you with earth shattering happiness.

It was the kind of love that transformed this young girl into the heroine of her own story.

You see self-love does that to a person; reshapes the heart, opens the eyes, supplies wisdom to the mind.

And turns suns into supernovas.