What I’ve learned

1. You’re going to change your style every single year, it’s the key indicator of personal growth.

2. Friends aren’t jealous of friends. They celebrate others’ accomplishments not drown themselves in their own disappointments.

3. Love doesn’t hurt.

4. People notice happiness that you make for yourself, people will want to be near that. But don’t let them take it.

5. Own your talents.

6. Confidence doesn’t not equal cockiness.

7. People can say “I love you” and not mean it.

8. People enter your life in seasons for different reasons. It’s called ebb and flow.

9. Trust your gut. Always listen to intuition. Always.

10. Kindness and being nice are two different things.

11. People can try and tell you who you are, but most of the time they’re wrong.

12. Smile, laugh as loud as you can. Let them hear your joy.

13. Don’t forget to tell them you love them.

14. Life is so fucking fragile.

15. It’s ok to ask for help.

16. Do not let fear guide your life.

17. Talk. Say when something’s wrong, don’t bottle it up in a passive aggressive episode.

18. Lists are still really hard.

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Cotton&Fabric Softener

 

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I still have that t-shirt you let me borrow, the blank gray one with no discernible features other than its basic neckline and criss cross stitching along the hem.

Usually it’s buried deep beneath a tower of old shirts at the bottom of my second drawer on the right, sometimes I grab it by accident and before I know it I’m wearing it around the house, times like right now as I type this.

The signature cologne you wear has long since been worn away by wash after wash, the only thing left is the faint smell of green apples from my detergent that reminds me of home when I need it most; it keeps me grounded, focused on what’s ahead of me instead of behind.

I would never confess to others that I kept this, the hypocrisy that would underly all of the advice I’ve given to others would come to light; but out of all the things I’ve kept from you, the bracelet, the stuffed animals, the poloroid of us in my kitchen that resides on my wall—none hold a candle to this simple weaving of cotton I wear.

Because in another life, a life that seems so far away at this point, you wore it too.

And you never asked for it back.

 

 

seasonal aches

Image result for tumblr aesthetic seasons

 

It was summer

My hair was a bit shorter, my smile a bit bigger, and my eyes shining a whole lot brighter. I remember staying up till 3 am on the phone with him, I remember telling him about the art that I loved and how much he wanted me to try painting with him and maybe even on him–a flirty smile would slip on his face and I would blush almost immediately. I remember watching him cry one night while he confessed to me that he was a liar, that none of it was real and that I was a nice girl.

I shattered that day, a million or so cracks found their way on my porcelain surface and something strange inside of me broke forever.

But fall and winter gave me some time for healing, I escaped unscathed.

It was spring

My hair was a lot longer, my smile drifted in from time to time, and my eyes had faded quite a bit but I was coasting through life with someone that taught me how to feel in extremes. But he wanted things when he wanted them, and got them when he asked.

I went tumbling down once again and the fissures that had barely filled themselves opened up, the contents of my enclosed heart came pouring out and I can’t figure how I got over it last time–or why this time I can’t even describe how I feel.

Insignificance is purely relative by definition but sometimes it feels like a mass growing within your mind, body, and soul. I am shards of glass scattered on the tile and everyone is walking around me, careful not to get cut and waiting for someone else to come along and sweep up the mess. It’s all too much, it all feels too fresh still. A nasty wound that hasn’t been given the proper care, it oozes and pusses over the surface of my skin and leaves everyone with the sorest sight their eyes have ever seen.

But you don’t really care do you? You aren’t here to diagnose my aches and pains.

 

I can’t go back

Image result for tumblr aesthetic broken pinky promise

 

We used to be best friends, do you remember that? Do you remember the way we would laugh at the smallest of things, you and me against everyone else?

I think what happened in the summer changed me. It made me colder, the light I once had was snuffed for a moment–I haven’t been the same since. And it’s funny because it was just a small fling, nothing truly significant. But it fucked me up man.

And I am so sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry that I changed, that I hurt you and treated you like the dust beneath my feet.

I still do at times, I push you away and try to shove myself into the smallest of confines because I have to be cautious. I have to stay vigil because people break promises and lie through their shining teeth while wiping the stray hairs from your face.

I’m trying to control it, but it creeps back–the uncertainty. It shakes me to my core and I remember all the times you’ve hurt me (unintentionally or otherwise) and I can’t help but shrink away from your seemingly concerned appearance. People are really good at lying to me, they always seem to take advantage of my naive nature.

So I am incredibly sorry. But no matter how many times you try to prove me otherwise, the sinking feeling will linger and I have to stay on guard.

I have to protect myself because something inside me broke a long time ago and it still hasn’t fixed itself since.

I’m sorry but I can’t go back to the sweeter times.

Sagacious: a spoken word

Image result for tumblr neon signs

 

Allow me to be the first to stand and congratulate you on this award winning performance

A round of applause for convincing yourself and others alike that things do not exist merely because the words falling from your lips speak them into oblivion

And I thank you dearly for this show stopping spectacular of teaching me that pinky promises are a load of shit and that promises you make were meant to be broken

I talk myself in circles trying to figure out exactly how you pull it off, how exactly can you erase an entire quantity of time with simple commas and statements

A divine magic trick and with a wave of your precious wand you have fabricated a world where you are happy, you are without all faults

But I knew you.

Your easy smile and saunter would once make a starry eyed girl like me leap and bound for the chance to be with your sinful nature

I knew you.

I knew that I would’ve ruined every chance of happiness just to see you shine brightly and that it’s an all too familiar notion teenage girls have these days, but no one seems to notice or care to save them from an untimely demise

We watch as they throw themselves into another being, we let them ignore our warnings and pleas because we become too frustrated to understand that they are too sick to hear

That the poison of a toxic relationship will paralyze the senses.

So I sit here with bile creeping up my now resuscitated throat holding back the venomous words I know would rip apart this lovely show you’ve given the crowd

I replay all the moments between us that I thought were drenched in watercolors and the most vibrant of light and realize, it was faded.

I was fading. I have faded.

So you carry on for an encore as the crowd sits there and hungrily awaits the lies and tall tales only a true actor can weave and formulate

As they ask for more, you give and soon you will believe in your own legends and folklore

But I know you.

 

 

ask yourself

ask-yourself

“I think it’s funny” she spat out through clenched teeth and tears, “that at one point he was fighting for me, fighting to love me and now? Now he acts like it wouldn’t matter if I lived or died. And how do you answer for your sins when you’re being told you don’t deserve forgiveness? How do you find the will to exist?”

How do you find the will to exist?

 

first.

first

I think there is a twisted beauty in a person’s first heartbreak. The cliche angst filled words coming from a teenage mind is familiar in the sense that we expect it; we’ve grown accustomed to the toxic metaphors and cheap similes that fill a tear stained keyboard or piece of paper. But, as I sit here writing my very own prose–I cannot find this twisted beauty anywhere. Because no matter how intricate and detailed you try to make it sound, it doesn’t prepare you for the heavy chest and shortening of breath. Nothing prepares you for this ache that resides in every inch of your body.

You hurt me. Plain and simple, no elaborate description behind it. You lied to me, you lied to her, you lied to everyone; the one thing that plays over and over in my mind is the fact that in 24 hours it all changed. We went from laughing in my living room, to me being told that the whole time you were with me–you were thinking of her.

And you know what hurts even more? I thought that she was the “other girl” when the whole fucking time it was me. You promised her the moon and stars and simply recycled the same leftover lines for me–oh a cliche metaphor, how original of me. But, that’s what you did; you gave her “I love you’s” and me, “someday”.

But what I really need from you is closure. I need you to explain why you lied when I told you that night in a hushed whisper that that was my greatest fear, to have someone make so many promises but deny making them at all. I need to know why you looked at me the way you did and made me feel like I had the galaxy spinning on my fingertips. I need to know why you let me waste a word count filled with the thoughts that floated around in my head about you.

I know she is getting these answers from you, I know that right now–at this very minute– you are calling her your “baby girl” and begging for her to give you another chance. I know you’re calling me the “desperate one” and lying right to her, and maybe she’ll believe you. For her sake, I hope she doesn’t.

I had to be the bigger person though didn’t I? Instead of making you apologize 100 times like she is, I simply forgave but I will never forget. Well, maybe not never because as much as this pain feels like it will last forever I know that someday it will stop. So, I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m going to take it one day at a time and find what I’m looking for as well.

 

 

 

 

Update on Exodus: I haven’t posted anything new because guess what? I’m in the works of converting it into a short film for you guys! Really excited! As you can see  from this post, things didn’t work out–it hurts a ton but I’m going to make it though. Happy reading 

-One girl