Wow what a long hiatus I’m a little shook in all honesty, I didn’t plan on being gone for so long. Things are so lovely as of recent actually, although I feel my mental health deteriorating.
It’s not too alarming, I’m aware of the decline I just need counseling I suspect; sometimes we start dipping for no reason and I think that’s what is occurring now. January, a time for resolutions and beginnings. I’ve made my own resolutions that I intend to put into further action and I’d like to share them with you.
1. If they don’t put in effort, you aren’t obligated to do so. Don’t force connections.
2. Love him. Love him fiercely, love him without apology. Love him until it’s time to let go, but hopefully that isn’t for a bit.
3. Step out and open yourself to new people. I’ve already started and I’m liking where I’m going.
4. Remind yourself that you are beautiful. He calls me too pure for this harsh world, I’m his sweet bumble and I must remind myself of that.
5. Keep pushing till the end. It’s my last semester, I intend to have zero regrets. I intend to stick up for myself and call out disrespect when it comes my way. I intend to fall in love with myself.
I am made to be far more wonderful than I am right now, I can feel it, others can see it. It’s so beautiful to realize your full potential.
“Are you ok?” Um no not really thanks for asking.
“ Is everything ok?” Define ok.
“How can I help?” I don’t know, I’m sorry but I really don’t know.
“What’s going on with you?” I just, I can’t breathe, I feel numb but everything is on fire.
“Why do you look so down?” Oh it’s nothing see look I’m smiling, I’m smiling I promise.
“I’m here ok I promise.” You said that before, you left me before.
“You’re not alone I’m here.” Then why do I feel so far away?
“You’re special you are, I promise.” How? Tell me how. Tell me. See, you can’t.
“Let me help you.” I never tried to stop you. You just gave up.
“Look at how many people love you.” I know, fuck you, I know, and I love you.
“You’d really do that to them? Really?” Please I just, I can’t breathe. It hurts. I’m hurt.
Give me a reason to stay on this earth. A real reason.
I do not know who I am. I sit here and I listen to these voices screaming over one another for my attention, my help, and I have no care. I can’t will myself to talk about the same problems and not have anyone consider the solutions I offer. I can barely will myself to care about my own well being.
I am dying. I can feel it. I know that something is dying off within me. I feel orange. I feel so orange all of the time. Who knows what is breathing its last breaths within me? Is it a physical thing? Or is my brain just slowly leaving me.
I can barely concentrate, I haven’t told anyone this but it’s harder for me to write down things, my brain jumbles up the words and my fingers fumble over themselves. I get more headaches, my mood swings ravage my mind and leave me dehydrated from all the tears I cry.
And I can’t stop thinking about love, and who deserves my love. Who I would want to say goodbye to when I finally leave, who I want to kiss.
I can’t stop thinking about kissing, the act of kissing, the meanings behind it. I can’t stop thinking about people noticing me. Am I noticeable? Have I left an imprint on the strangers I walk by.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? And why am I so orange?
The sun and moon are a perplexing duo.
Here she was, an emblem of light and beauty—the source of all life casting herself away so the pesky moon could have his moment from time to time. Or so everyone told her.
And the moon was a headache inducing disappearing act; only showing glimpses of himself before finally uncovering his full potential once every so often. Yes, he provided a cool glow in the dark of the night, and of course there were so many clichés about the beauty of the moonlight. But that wasn’t his real source of power. He pulled people in just as he would the tides, intoxicating everyone in his wake.
This dark nature should have turned the sun away, as it had so many people before her, but instead it encouraged her. She wanted him to shine, to sparkle just like she did each morning.
My dear, the moon isn’t taking anything from our precious sun, she is simply carrying him with her light, with her love.
“You tempt me and I don’t know how to retaliate. It’s like a drug. I’m addicted but don’t want help.”
– an excerpt from this tulmutous chapter of my life
To you I say,
You are my equal parts in the form of never ending sunshine. You provide me with a warm glow that I can’t quite pin down and yet it seems it’s never the right time for us. It’s like everyone knows we should end up together—hell even we know—but some force keeps us from admitting anything directly. So we speak in code, a code I can barely decipher and sometimes feel like I’m making up half the time. But you are everything I’m supposed to have; not perfect, but completely the fixation of my adoration. Is third time the charm? Or is it just simply three strikes and you’re out?
To him I say,
I want you so much right now. Asking you for help that night didn’t feel like a mistake but now I know I’ve done some damage to all the work I put forth before; the addictive symptoms have returned and all I want is to hear you say my name. Just once, to hear your voice might stop the incessant pang I feel meeting your gaze across the hall. I ache for you, I find myself wondering what would happen if I proposed something casual—just something to cease this longing and gnawing within my mind.
I am too beautiful of a soul to focus on such trivial nonsense but here I am finding myself backed into a corner. You are what is right for me I believe, to see where we could go gives me anticipation beyond my wildest dreams.
But he, he leaves me with burning desire. I need him to extinguish the spark somehow; staying away from me doesn’t help, it only makes me wish for him more. He can’t hurt me anymore. I know this, he’s done all he can do to break me but I am still breathing; but for him to disregard the fact that I am strong—that I am alive—may send me 6 feet under once again.
Oh my fickle heart, I despise you.
I am a person who always initiates things, something I’ve been more aware of this past month as I’ve grown. I think this is what has been my downfall and part of the reason things went so terribly for me earlier in the year; I put effort into things/people that don’t really meet me halfway.
I always make excuses for them, mainly because I know people have reasons to be a bit more forgetful or unable to hold meaningful conversations/provide mutual care. But also because I know I too used to struggle with keeping my head above the water to do even the simplest of tasks. And yet, I know know where to draw my line of tolerance.
Another factor I’ve noticed is how no matter how hard I try I am always made to feel less than–or like I’m not doing enough–and I would accept this. I would let people tell me how I was acting, who I was, the way they perceived my character and how it negatively affected them wasn’t to benefit me. All it did was make me loathe myself even more, question everything I said or did and ultimately view myself as a villain.
I am not a villain, and I do not deserve the treatment I have been given. I am proud of my growth, my ability to spread beyond my comfortable little box and engage with new and exciting people. Yes my tongue is now sharper, but I am simply done with making efforts that are seemingly void; efforts that just seem to fuel others egos.
I am showing those around me that I am not always going to be around, and I am irreplaceable–I hope they feel my absence and know that they caused it. And let it be clear that I am not asking for them to come back and prove to me that they value me more than they have shown–I don’t need that confidence boost when I already have it within myself.
This is what I want to be made clear:
I am an amazing friend, significant other, and most importantly a remarkable human being.
I will demand to be treated as such and nothing less.