Goodbye.

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I don’t know what to type but um, I’m going to type out all that’s been going on in my head/life and see if that helps because I’m, something very wrong is happening.

There are three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth. Human memory likes to trick us, and memory is not at all perfect, so don’t try to recite a story and expect it to be 100% true and the only truth. When someone tells you you hurt them, you don’t have the right to say you didn’t; you don’t know in what way exactly you’ve hurt them because we weren’t made to perfectly articulate emotions.

I do not paint people out to be villains. Let’s get that straight. I tell my side of the story, you tell yours. But I only tell others my opinion, what I see, they have their own opinions and their own interpretations they make for themselves.

But I’m not hear to talk about that, I’m done. I know I’m a good person, I know I give people far more chances than I should and love them wherever they are in life. I don’t fucking give up on people and I hate that about myself.

So anyways, what’s been going on with me you ask? Good old paranoia, family lying to me and messing up my friendships, more mental and verbal abuse under my roof in the span of 3 days than ever in my life, and my personal fave my mother—my reason for breathing and the only reason I choose to breathe myself—threatening to leave my father for good. It’s lovely, it’s so enriching, it makes me wish I lived far away and didn’t have to breathe.

I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit this year, in every sense of the word. I’m not afraid to point out my flaws, I know I can be a fake bitch. Something I’ve been working on this entire summer; telling people what exactly  inconveniences me, what they’re doing that hurts me instead of running around and telling others.

Because of this I’m increasingly aware of the fairness I let myself tolerate, that I contributed to. Gossiping about others, being nice to their faces and excusing that as being mature. It’s not being mature it’s being a fucking snake and I’m tired of excusing it.

Sometimes people bring out the best and worst in you, I noticed I would succumb to the gossip more and more around certain people and realized how detrimental it was to me. How unhealthy for both of us it was to feed into it all.

I wasn’t a good person this year, I know it. This year was the worst of my life, I hurt people with my actions and words because of my internal struggles although that is no excuse. But it was never my intention.

I try so hard to not be this evil bitch and yet it found its way out this year. But I’m not going to apologize for being flawed, I will apologize for taking it out on others.

I blocked you because I realized something chilling, after my sister told me the truth about what you said I realized it was easy for me to believe the lie because I have witnessed you say things about people but act like their best friend.

Dont try and deny, you did on this very day, you’ve said such mean spirited things about that girl but today I saw you acting as if you were friends just like you were when she was a freshman. You did the same when another girl got the role you wanted, said such mean things about her talent but smiled in her face when met in another show. So if you can do that and pull it off so easily how can I not be just a little bit suspicious that you would do the same to me?

I know you gave a lot in this friendship, I never asked you to do that and told you many times that it wasn’t necessary. What happened a few days ago was a complete misunderstanding with so many other layers that I can’t even begin to describe and I had to do an in depth reflection on this dynamic we have, or had if my deductions are correct.

You probably will scoff at this whole post, or see it as a superficial whatever and you know what? I don’t care. I’m being genuine, I wanted to talk things out and see if we can at least be aqquantinces; it seems like even that is a lost cause.

So I hope you have a good life, I hope you prosper in the future and  whatnot. If you need me (which you probably won’t want or have no use for any longer) you know where to find me.

In all honesty I don’t want this to be the final episode of our little sitcom but, I guess this is goodbye.

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change in habits

changges

 

I am a person who always initiates things, something I’ve been more aware of this past month as I’ve grown. I think this is what has been my downfall and part of the reason things went so terribly for me earlier in the year; I put effort into things/people that don’t really meet me halfway.

I always make excuses for them, mainly because I know people have reasons to be a bit more forgetful or unable to hold meaningful conversations/provide mutual care. But also because I know I too used to struggle with keeping my head above the water to do even the simplest of tasks. And yet, I know know where to draw my line of tolerance.

Another factor I’ve noticed is how no matter how hard I try I am always made to feel less than–or like I’m not doing enough–and I would accept this. I would let people tell me how I was acting, who I was, the way they perceived my character and how it negatively affected them wasn’t to benefit me. All it did was make me loathe myself even more, question everything I said or did and ultimately view myself as a villain.

I am not a villain, and I do not deserve the treatment I have been given. I am proud of my growth, my ability to spread beyond my comfortable little box and engage with new and exciting people. Yes my tongue is now sharper, but I am simply done with making efforts that are seemingly void; efforts that just seem to fuel others egos.

I am showing those around me that I am not always going to be around, and I am irreplaceable–I hope they feel my absence and know that they caused it. And let it be clear that I am not asking for them to come back and prove to me that they value me more than they have shown–I don’t need that confidence boost when I already have it within myself.

This is what I want to be made clear:

I am an amazing friend, significant other, and most importantly a remarkable human being.

I will demand to be treated as such and nothing less.

remember the girl with fire on her fingertips?

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Originally I was going to make my last post one gigantic thing but I realize I have much to say about this particular topic swirling around my head so…double post.

Being single is really fun in the summer, but also really frigging complicated and let me explain why for you all; I love a good hookup. Sorry for the bluntness, sorry for maybe shocking you a little considering how heartfelt my last post was but I have to be candid in order to properly voice my problem.

I don’t like sex–ok that’s a lie, I do enjoy sex BUT for right now the idea of it is not appealing because of the whole previous relationship thing. What I mean is, my hookup definition is vastly different than most boys, which is what is complicating things. I like a good old fashioned heated make out in the back of a car or your friends bedroom (ahem…not that I’ve done any of those things whaaatttt) but the problem is once you’ve started that guys tend to expect more; and the whole “I had a whole pregnancy scare that traumatized me and my mom and I really don’t want to relive that situation so I’m trying to stay abstinent until I’m ready to be in a committed relationship” speech is kind of a boner killer.

Now here is what complicates my life even more. I hooked up (NO SEX REMEMBER HOOK UP IN THIS SENSE AS IN SEXY KISSING MOMENTS) with a boy that I come into close contact because of my friend circles, and he was a senior. After our fun times he proceeded to go on with a speech about how he wasn’t ready for anything serious (which I wasn’t…I wasn’t expecting anything serious I had just always found him attractive and a little scary but in a hot way) which made me feel really weird. I am the type of girl that understands these things, I’m a big kid; I don’t need a whole speech about how you’re living the casual life because guess what? Me too buddy. I did appreciate the sensitivity though, it was sweet that he cared for my feelings afterwards…which had the opposite affect he wanted. I was then over analyzing everything I was doing a) because of my lovely brain sabotaging me (we were in downward spiral at this point) and b) because I didn’t want to freak him out with my innate instinct to care for people I kiss. I mean it worked for the most part, but then something awful was occurring–I wanted to do it more.

So here I was, weeks of no one kissing me or cuddling, hoping that maybe this boy would wanna do it again. To my surprise (and utter relief) he did. BUT ME BEING THE DUMB ASS I AM COULDN’T CONTROL MY FUCKING HORMONES AND I MADE OUT WITH ANOTHER BOY.

A boy. Who is also in his friend group. BUT IN MY DEFENSE I had had people instigating this so it’s not my fault entirely. So yeah, I kissed another guy and it was…alright. The hot now graduated senior boy was kind of…better. I hate to say it but it’s true. And I had to see him knowing full well that he probably knows what occurred so now I look like a thirsty hoe.

So my problem here is, I am unintentionally spiraling down a path I do not plan on going on; and it’s like no one cares. No one is stopping me from pushing past the point of no return and my brain is kind of like “Hello? Is no one going to tell me this is wrong? You’re all just going to let me ruin my reputation? Alright, bet. And we’re all aware that I am incapable of knowing when enough is truly enough given my mental state right? Okay so if we’re all on the same page I’ll just keep messing up thanks.”

It’s like I’m watching myself from the outside doing these reckless things, knowing that it’ll have consequences, and not caring enough to stop myself. I’m kind of scared in a way, I want someone to save me from myself–I want someone to care about me enough to stop me from becoming something they know I’m not. But I’m not strong enough to ask for it.

This is a cry for help I guess, someone stop me from becoming the body that every guy thinks he can rent for the night.

That Night.

that-night

 

He didn’t make me do anything, I was given the choice. Yes or no, that’s all i had to say and everything would change.

I don’t know why I’m typing it all out now, it happened 3 months ago–we’re together now and everything. But for some reason  I need to explain uncensored– because sometimes I still feel the guilt crawling at my skin. I still feel disgusting, unworthy to speak to anyone I come across.

But I was given a choice.

It started off small, confessions of harmless attraction through a phone screen; hints of flirtation. I thought He wanted her, I was sure of it actually and it stung, but I felt that if it had to be someone I knew, I wanted it to be a friend–someone I loved. So I didn’t think twice about the late night hangouts at my house, the occasional brush of hands or slow smiles. I thought I was simply another faceless body.

Then the uncomfortable ache around my boyfriend began to grow stronger, I didn’t mind being apart from him as much. Little things about him annoyed me more and more–I didn’t know if I loved in the way he wanted me to. I felt this pressure to always be happy because why be sad? You can just simply get over a mental illness right? It was a naive notion that I couldn’t believe in anymore; and I made the mistake of confiding in Him, something you don’t do with someone you’re somewhat attracted to.

They voiced their concern, all of my friends. They questioned if I was truly happy and I had to figure out for myself if I was; I had hour long conversations with my mom, I decided to end things with my boyfriend after winter break–but I didn’t know it would come sooner.

We were at my house; two of my friends, one being the girl I thought he wanted as much as she wanted Him, and the boy with the eyes too dark to comprehend. A cake was being baked, it was a nice time. I was alone with Him, maybe that was the first mistake but things were said and that’s when I knew He wanted me. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I left the conversation there. Until the next day.

Once again they all came over and once again I was alone in the kitchen with Him; that’s when I was given the ultimatum. Say yes to a kiss, just one. If not, we would forget the idea ever came up. Now I deserve no time to appeal with some background but I must tell this with an uncensored mind.

This boy standing before me was one that I had wanted only 3 years ago, and I had wished that someday His feelings would change from platonic and He would see me differently. Here I was, seeing all of that heartbreak and pining splayed out in an almost cruel way; it was as if God himself was shaking his head at this tumultuous crossroads of my life.

So what do you when a dream you thought had died resurrects before you and asks for you to believe in it once again? Do you turn away and wonder what might have been?

I wish I could say I was thinking of consequences when I made my choice, I wish I could say that I was firm in my answer and told him to leave my home. But, I didn’t–I remember standing there, trembling slightly as this notion swam through my head. I remember a J.Cole song was playing low in the background but nothing else mattered in that moment. So with a heavy heart I must confess that I said yes to Him. And sadly it was the best kiss I ever received; because that dream revived.

I cheated. And it’s a horrible case of irony since I’ve felt a similar pain not too long ago. I did something terrible to a human being, he may not ever trust relationships again because of me. I think of that from time to time, and as horrible as this sounds I’m with the boy I cheated with. He makes me happy.

He gives me a feeling so profound that words do not describe, and I know my dear readers that I have blogged about other boys before on this page. You may scoff and roll your eyes expecting this to last only a mere couple of months before I am back to writing about another infamous heartbreak.

And maybe I will, who knows? But I enjoy living in the present with him.

Anyway, this all did ruin my other relationships of course; my ex and I have only spoken once in person in the past 3 months, my relationship with the friend who also liked the boy is now in shambles–it’s rough. I only hope that someday they will both forgive me wholeheartedly for every mistake I have made with them, it is selfish to ask but I need her in my life. She’s my best friend.

But friends don’t ask such things of each other, I know that. So I’m giving us both time.

As for my ex, I just don’t know. He’s moved on with a new girl and I am 100% happy for him. They’re quite cute together actually, though it’s weird I notice some similarities between her and I. But I do miss being his friend, and I hope someday I’ll have the honor of being one. I hurt him, he kind of hurt me in a way too–but humans were not intended to be perfect.

So this is why I confess this to you all, whomever will take the time to read it. Because even though others say they forgive me, I need to actually forgive myself.

I should not feel guilt for the happiness I feel each time his lips utter my name so eloquently or anytime his easy smirk makes my heart dance.

One should simply learn to accept their mistakes, to confess their sins and then continue to exist. Only then can we all have closure.

 

Alternative Modes

 

glow

It’s weird  to know that new people in your life make you unconditionally happy. To have people that understand you as well as being able to handle all of the different parts of you.

There is some regret/guilt that comes along with growing closer to new people, but there is also this beautiful sensation of freedom. It’s not like you don’t care for the other people but more so like you don’t have to only care about them. You have the capacity to be with other people and actually enjoy yourself.

It’s a rewarding feeling and I’m glad I finally have it now.

A Few Character Studies

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~She is the  breath of fresh air that clears the tension in any room; a face so angelic that you’d never believe she doesn’t wear an ounce of makeup. Her laugh is the most distinct in the crowd and you can see her smile from a mile away. You know she’ll give you even the harshest of advice, because she loves you. Sometimes you fear the blunt words of reason but you always know that’s what you need to hear. You know that she’s your best friend. Her dark hair sweeps into the air with every excited jolt of her head; she squints her eyes comically and you can’t help but laugh at this carefree bundle of beauty.

~He’s a walking Sudoku puzzle you can’t help but want to solve. Outside he’s seen as a fun loving party guy that just wants people to be happy; but you’ve seen the other side. It’s breathtaking, it’s full of profound thoughts and phrases. It’s art. Everyday there’s something new and exciting, everyday you’re left speechless. And you never truly realize how meaningful a simple glance can be until you look into that mysterious pair that he possesses. His eyelashes are so luscious it’s infuriating and you seem to be magnetized towards his aura even though it feels almost sinful.

~You look at her and wonder if she’ll ever know that she is more than all consuming sadness; that she is simply a complexity of poems and colors. Those eyes, you look into those green eyes and you see so much caring. You get a little sad and often wonder why she cares too much at times. It’s because it helps her cope but you just want to help her realize that caring for herself comes before all others. That she is worth more than what she has been shown. Sometimes you’ll reach out and brush the few blonde strands that never seem to stay down and you forget that she’s older. You nurture her because she was your favorite long before she knew.

~He used to be your everything; you don’t know when that changed. You know you made mistakes, you think about it everyday damn day. But you also know that behind that pretty facade you never felt comfortable. In fact, part of you was a little afraid. He had this way of judging people based on one little flaw, and you loathed it. You never spoke up and you feared he would turn on you. But you made the mistake, and you ended things in fear. As you got happy without him he came from the shadows and tried to tell you who you really are. But you didn’t let him. No matter how beautiful he could be he ruined it all with his ugly personality. And sadly it all went to ashes. You lost the love, and the hate flowed through.

~She’s getting so big, and you’re missing out on it all. She’s already started her first steps, first words, first tooth and soon her first birthday. She looks just like your younger sister and it’s like you’re watching her grow up all over again. All you can do is watch from a phone screen and hear the shrill giggles escape through the speaker. You ache just thinking about how much of her life you’re going to miss out on because she’s miles away.

~He’s the big brother you always wanted but never had. You never thought someone this cool would call you a friend. You’re beyond thankful for his real advice and his loyal attitude. The guy you know you can call at 3 am and he’ll be there before you can even say bye; and yet he never asks for anything in return. You just want him to know that you have his back just as he has yours. And you’re glad you’ve got someone to protect you when it’s needed the most. He never fails to bring warmth into your life and won’t give up on you when everyone else does. You didn’t think someone could become family so quickly but you can’t help but think it was meant to be.

~She has this really loud laugh, it starts off has high pitched giggles and ends with a throaty chuckle. People tell her that her view of the world is something meaningful but she just assumes everyone thinks the same way. She quite honestly thinks she’s average and she’s content with that. She likes to think that she is a good person despite past mistakes. Above all else that’s what she holds on to. When she’s concentrating on updating her blog sometimes she’ll unconsciously stick out her tongue while she types, a quirk that people love to point out. She likes to walk on her tiptoes so she feels a few inches taller than her 5 feet stature; making her appear even smaller and younger. She’s still learning how to navigate this world, and she’s getting a little better each day.