Soft.

IMG_0508.JPGI used to be all angular shapes and rough edges. I could make you tremble with just a look and have you wrapped around my finger with a simple pout; this power was both a blessing and a curse.

On one hand it made me feel empowered—a badass. But, it was also my greatest downfall. It was the thing that kept me up at night, drops rolling down my cheeks while I questioned why I was seen as merely a pair of legs and lips.

I combated these feelings of self doubt with witty jokes and vulgar speech, thus creating a reputation that I didn’t even have. I was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But now?

I am delicate; I tread carefully throughout my days with others in mind on the tips of my toes and my head thrown back with shrill giggles of glee escaping my lips.

And I know this change may seem strange and abrupt to others, that I have altered  completely and I’m not myself anymore. Those accusations are not in the slightest wrong—I know I’ve changed.

However, some of my rough edges have not entirely smoothed out. I still maintain my brash humor and deflecting jokes, that’s who I am.

I am learning that I am strong, but that does not mean that I can’t be tender.

I have been shown that I possess galaxies behind these big brown eyes and words dripped in honey fall down from my lips.

I am being shown that I matter, and I will not apologize for shining brightly like the sun—you can find a pair of shades to adapt.

It’s a strange phenomenon because while I am both happy for the infinite possibilities of this change, I am saddened by the loss of an old me. And I don’t know what will happen even in the next hour, I don’t know what this new change in me entails.

But I know that I am fluid. I am soft.

-one girl

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you.

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I have written this post maybe 5 times. 

I’m having writers block–real bad. 

It’s your fault too, you’re too much. 

You now make up a whole other part of my existence; it’s much too vast to fit into a measly word count. 

You’ve done it. You have left me utterly speechless. I thought that he would do that–the one before you. But no, YOU did it. The one that I thought had gotten away. 

Yet here you are, mine. My person. After all these months of hopelessly hoping I am somehow sharing my days with you, staring into the deep sea of blue-green that I had missed so so much. 

You are home; that’s the feeling you give me when you squeeze my hand, reminding me that I am truly living for the first time. 

And I would like to apologize, I’m usually a lot more poetic with my words but gosh–how can I even explain the effect you have on me? I mean, I’ve done it before in another post about you but this is different. We’re different now. 

It’s just aghhhh you’re so amazing. Everyday you impress me more and more, I can feel myself falling but it’s not scary at all. It’s slow and lazy, like the leaves making their way down to the now chilled earth. 

You give me feeling–when all I have been for the past 3 years is numb. You make me feel normal, like I’m actually worth more than what I’ve been shown in the past. 

And guess what? 

You’re even more beautiful than I ever could’ve imagined before. 

 

yo. It has been I don’t even know how long??? Let’s do some updates shall we?

I got the lead in my school play (still in shock and it’s been almost a month???)

I might be going to London this upcoming summer.

I have a boyfriend and he is everything I could ever ask for and more than I could ever need. 

I am really, really happy. The happiest I have been in what feels like a few years. 

Things.Get.Better. 

-onegirl