Sensations

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I just think it’s weird how one thing changes how you feel, how you see everything. I feel different, it’s not a drastic change, but I do feel different.

I feel like I’m viewed differently now, not in a bad way or anything; just with a new set of eyes that scrutinize a bit more closely. The way they set it up makes it seem like your entire world shifts once it happens.

But it doesn’t—you just feel a little different. It’s like seeing a contrast in colors you didn’t really notice before, it’s kind of beautiful.

XOXO

xoxo

Today I learned that this blog– my safe place–was shared without my knowledge or consent, and I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life. I have no anger or resentment in my heart, no hatred. Just confusion and hurt; what do you get out of this?

A look into my personal anecdotes? My mediocre writing? I have made it virtually impossible to find this little world of mine, that was on purpose. The beauty of being able to freely express the small dither and droning of my mind has now been taken from me. I fear I’ll have to censor myself or else you’ll make a mockery of my work.

So there, are you happy? Is this what you wanted? I just don’t understand, honestly I don’t. In what twisted world is it right to pry into the privacy of another? The funny thing is, I have no ounce of care anymore–I’m tired of the drama. I only write this to make the message clear:

I know what you’ve said, what you’ve done and I pray that Karma/God/Fate will have mercy on your soul, but maybe your heart is still true in its own kind of way. I will not retaliate, why should I when a much greater force will sort it out for me?

That Night.

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He didn’t make me do anything, I was given the choice. Yes or no, that’s all i had to say and everything would change.

I don’t know why I’m typing it all out now, it happened 3 months ago–we’re together now and everything. But for some reason  I need to explain uncensored– because sometimes I still feel the guilt crawling at my skin. I still feel disgusting, unworthy to speak to anyone I come across.

But I was given a choice.

It started off small, confessions of harmless attraction through a phone screen; hints of flirtation. I thought He wanted her, I was sure of it actually and it stung, but I felt that if it had to be someone I knew, I wanted it to be a friend–someone I loved. So I didn’t think twice about the late night hangouts at my house, the occasional brush of hands or slow smiles. I thought I was simply another faceless body.

Then the uncomfortable ache around my boyfriend began to grow stronger, I didn’t mind being apart from him as much. Little things about him annoyed me more and more–I didn’t know if I loved in the way he wanted me to. I felt this pressure to always be happy because why be sad? You can just simply get over a mental illness right? It was a naive notion that I couldn’t believe in anymore; and I made the mistake of confiding in Him, something you don’t do with someone you’re somewhat attracted to.

They voiced their concern, all of my friends. They questioned if I was truly happy and I had to figure out for myself if I was; I had hour long conversations with my mom, I decided to end things with my boyfriend after winter break–but I didn’t know it would come sooner.

We were at my house; two of my friends, one being the girl I thought he wanted as much as she wanted Him, and the boy with the eyes too dark to comprehend. A cake was being baked, it was a nice time. I was alone with Him, maybe that was the first mistake but things were said and that’s when I knew He wanted me. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I left the conversation there. Until the next day.

Once again they all came over and once again I was alone in the kitchen with Him; that’s when I was given the ultimatum. Say yes to a kiss, just one. If not, we would forget the idea ever came up. Now I deserve no time to appeal with some background but I must tell this with an uncensored mind.

This boy standing before me was one that I had wanted only 3 years ago, and I had wished that someday His feelings would change from platonic and He would see me differently. Here I was, seeing all of that heartbreak and pining splayed out in an almost cruel way; it was as if God himself was shaking his head at this tumultuous crossroads of my life.

So what do you when a dream you thought had died resurrects before you and asks for you to believe in it once again? Do you turn away and wonder what might have been?

I wish I could say I was thinking of consequences when I made my choice, I wish I could say that I was firm in my answer and told him to leave my home. But, I didn’t–I remember standing there, trembling slightly as this notion swam through my head. I remember a J.Cole song was playing low in the background but nothing else mattered in that moment. So with a heavy heart I must confess that I said yes to Him. And sadly it was the best kiss I ever received; because that dream revived.

I cheated. And it’s a horrible case of irony since I’ve felt a similar pain not too long ago. I did something terrible to a human being, he may not ever trust relationships again because of me. I think of that from time to time, and as horrible as this sounds I’m with the boy I cheated with. He makes me happy.

He gives me a feeling so profound that words do not describe, and I know my dear readers that I have blogged about other boys before on this page. You may scoff and roll your eyes expecting this to last only a mere couple of months before I am back to writing about another infamous heartbreak.

And maybe I will, who knows? But I enjoy living in the present with him.

Anyway, this all did ruin my other relationships of course; my ex and I have only spoken once in person in the past 3 months, my relationship with the friend who also liked the boy is now in shambles–it’s rough. I only hope that someday they will both forgive me wholeheartedly for every mistake I have made with them, it is selfish to ask but I need her in my life. She’s my best friend.

But friends don’t ask such things of each other, I know that. So I’m giving us both time.

As for my ex, I just don’t know. He’s moved on with a new girl and I am 100% happy for him. They’re quite cute together actually, though it’s weird I notice some similarities between her and I. But I do miss being his friend, and I hope someday I’ll have the honor of being one. I hurt him, he kind of hurt me in a way too–but humans were not intended to be perfect.

So this is why I confess this to you all, whomever will take the time to read it. Because even though others say they forgive me, I need to actually forgive myself.

I should not feel guilt for the happiness I feel each time his lips utter my name so eloquently or anytime his easy smirk makes my heart dance.

One should simply learn to accept their mistakes, to confess their sins and then continue to exist. Only then can we all have closure.

 

retrospect

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You are not a bad person for standing strong in your convictions, for standing up for yourself.

And you are certainly not bad for keeping some at arms length rather than sharing every detail of your life. That is healthy, that is how one should live. It is not wrong to have your own secrets.

It is not wrong to keep them at bay. That does not equate to shutting people out.

things I wish I’d known a long time ago

Alternative Modes

 

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It’s weird  to know that new people in your life make you unconditionally happy. To have people that understand you as well as being able to handle all of the different parts of you.

There is some regret/guilt that comes along with growing closer to new people, but there is also this beautiful sensation of freedom. It’s not like you don’t care for the other people but more so like you don’t have to only care about them. You have the capacity to be with other people and actually enjoy yourself.

It’s a rewarding feeling and I’m glad I finally have it now.