remember the girl with fire on her fingertips?

Image result for tumblr aesthetic fire

 

Originally I was going to make my last post one gigantic thing but I realize I have much to say about this particular topic swirling around my head so…double post.

Being single is really fun in the summer, but also really frigging complicated and let me explain why for you all; I love a good hookup. Sorry for the bluntness, sorry for maybe shocking you a little considering how heartfelt my last post was but I have to be candid in order to properly voice my problem.

I don’t like sex–ok that’s a lie, I do enjoy sex BUT for right now the idea of it is not appealing because of the whole previous relationship thing. What I mean is, my hookup definition is vastly different than most boys, which is what is complicating things. I like a good old fashioned heated make out in the back of a car or your friends bedroom (ahem…not that I’ve done any of those things whaaatttt) but the problem is once you’ve started that guys tend to expect more; and the whole “I had a whole pregnancy scare that traumatized me and my mom and I really don’t want to relive that situation so I’m trying to stay abstinent until I’m ready to be in a committed relationship” speech is kind of a boner killer.

Now here is what complicates my life even more. I hooked up (NO SEX REMEMBER HOOK UP IN THIS SENSE AS IN SEXY KISSING MOMENTS) with a boy that I come into close contact because of my friend circles, and he was a senior. After our fun times he proceeded to go on with a speech about how he wasn’t ready for anything serious (which I wasn’t…I wasn’t expecting anything serious I had just always found him attractive and a little scary but in a hot way) which made me feel really weird. I am the type of girl that understands these things, I’m a big kid; I don’t need a whole speech about how you’re living the casual life because guess what? Me too buddy. I did appreciate the sensitivity though, it was sweet that he cared for my feelings afterwards…which had the opposite affect he wanted. I was then over analyzing everything I was doing a) because of my lovely brain sabotaging me (we were in downward spiral at this point) and b) because I didn’t want to freak him out with my innate instinct to care for people I kiss. I mean it worked for the most part, but then something awful was occurring–I wanted to do it more.

So here I was, weeks of no one kissing me or cuddling, hoping that maybe this boy would wanna do it again. To my surprise (and utter relief) he did. BUT ME BEING THE DUMB ASS I AM COULDN’T CONTROL MY FUCKING HORMONES AND I MADE OUT WITH ANOTHER BOY.

A boy. Who is also in his friend group. BUT IN MY DEFENSE I had had people instigating this so it’s not my fault entirely. So yeah, I kissed another guy and it was…alright. The hot now graduated senior boy was kind of…better. I hate to say it but it’s true. And I had to see him knowing full well that he probably knows what occurred so now I look like a thirsty hoe.

So my problem here is, I am unintentionally spiraling down a path I do not plan on going on; and it’s like no one cares. No one is stopping me from pushing past the point of no return and my brain is kind of like “Hello? Is no one going to tell me this is wrong? You’re all just going to let me ruin my reputation? Alright, bet. And we’re all aware that I am incapable of knowing when enough is truly enough given my mental state right? Okay so if we’re all on the same page I’ll just keep messing up thanks.”

It’s like I’m watching myself from the outside doing these reckless things, knowing that it’ll have consequences, and not caring enough to stop myself. I’m kind of scared in a way, I want someone to save me from myself–I want someone to care about me enough to stop me from becoming something they know I’m not. But I’m not strong enough to ask for it.

This is a cry for help I guess, someone stop me from becoming the body that every guy thinks he can rent for the night.

“I’m a Life Lesson in Human Form”

 

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You would think that all the BS that’s involved him would be over now but here we are.

I can only imagine what I would have done if the results were different; I don’t think anyone really understands the severity of a situation like that until you’re in it. You think to yourself, ‘that would never be me, I’m smart’ or ‘the chances are way too low’. But it can happen, it does happen–and it’s absolutely terrifying.

You subconsciously cover your stomach while you talk, absentmindedly tracing your fingers and praying that you won’t feel a nudge. It doesn’t really hit you until you hear something, or see something and suddenly the whole word falls on top of your chest. Your vision is blurred because tears are clouding your now fragmented clarity, the tremor of you hands seem to rattle the entirety of your body.

You realize you have to tell him. You have to make it known that something could be very wrong–that you need to see a doctor. But it’s scary, it’s the one of the scariest feelings in the world. You can’t even take care of yourself so how the hell could you even begin to care for another.

But thankfully you don’t have to, because it’s a false alarm. Now you can finally rid yourself of any contact with that boy after he’s put you through hell and back.

And honestly, I hope he finds happiness.

I hope that one day he meets a girl that fills him with so much joy that words fail anytime he’s in her presence; but subconsciously he finds bits of me within her.

Maybe it’ll be in the way she sticks her tongue out playfully, or the sway of her hips to a song on the radio. He’ll hear her laugh pierce through the air or watch as she rolls her much too familiar brown eyes at one of his stupid jokes; and right then and there he’ll think of me.

He’ll think of me and maybe he’ll remember how happy I was, how pure. He might remember watching my favorite movie with me and singing that final iconic song quietly in my ear. He’ll think of how nice it was to feel my soft kisses grace his face and the shrill giggle that would escape my lips whenever he pulled me in close.

And then he’ll remember what he did to me–how he dimmed the light in my eyes for a moment. The fear that coursed through my veins as an uncertain future loomed over the horizon. How broken I felt when he held me close outside my house, the rain and wind whipping past our faces but not holding a candle to numbness inside our bodies. In that small instance, maybe just for a second, he’ll remember.

And I hope it will be a lesson well learned.

 

you are my happiness

you

 

I need to write because my mind is restless and going a million miles an hour and yet nowhere at once.

A detour. That’s what he said I’m taking; he’s taking one road and I’m taking a detour but someday we might be on the same road again.

Oh Heavenly Father above, I might love him. And this hurts so damn much.

But he’s going to get better, and I’m going to be right here–being whatever he needs me to be while he puts himself first for the first time in his life. In a way I am incredibly proud of myself for acknowledging this, for knowing that I can’t be selfish and stay with him. I can’t ask him to try and put effort into this when he can barely put effort into himself.

He thinks he’s failed me, he couldn’t be more wrong. I wasn’t lying when I said he made me happy–hell he still makes me happy. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. I’m going to try and be his friend, I have to try or else I might drown in this feeling of regret.

God dammit I regret this so freaking much. I didn’t want to do it, I still don’t know why I did it when I obviously want to be with him.

No, no it was for the best. I have to believe that or I just might break. I have to hope/pray/wish whatever the fuck I can do to believe that he’s going to be OK. That someday we will try this again and it will be even more beautiful and profound than it had been in the past.

What is it that they say? If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be? Well yeah that, I need to hold on to that.


 

him

 

 

I like the way he would never use my actual name and I always knew he was referring to me; but I also like the few moments my name would slip out of his mouth and how strange the consonants and vowel sounded to me.

I smile at the little things he does and it was in those moments that I liked who I was when I was around him–I loved who I was.

And yeah he’s not perfect, I never expected him to be. I never wanted him to be; I just wanted him to try and he did. And from this I gained a feeling I still don’t understand myself.

But holy shit he’s beautiful. So goddamn beautiful that you can’t help but cuss. I found myself actually speechless at times hearing the most provoking thoughts escape his mind–he’s the kind of boy they write screenplays about. He’s everybody’s muse and doesn’t believe it even for a second.

He just wants to make me happy and I couldn’t put into the right words that it was him. He’s my happiness, through all the fucked up mess we went through I could still feel the thrum of butterfly wings whenever I looked at him.

He’s the moonlight to my blinding sun.

 

 

 

A Few Character Studies

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~She is the ┬ábreath of fresh air that clears the tension in any room; a face so angelic that you’d never believe she doesn’t wear an ounce of makeup. Her laugh is the most distinct in the crowd and you can see her smile from a mile away. You know she’ll give you even the harshest of advice, because she loves you. Sometimes you fear the blunt words of reason but you always know that’s what you need to hear. You know that she’s your best friend. Her dark hair sweeps into the air with every excited jolt of her head; she squints her eyes comically and you can’t help but laugh at this carefree bundle of beauty.

~He’s a walking Sudoku puzzle you can’t help but want to solve. Outside he’s seen as a fun loving party guy that just wants people to be happy; but you’ve seen the other side. It’s breathtaking, it’s full of profound thoughts and phrases. It’s art. Everyday there’s something new and exciting, everyday you’re left speechless. And you never truly realize how meaningful a simple glance can be until you look into that mysterious pair that he possesses. His eyelashes are so luscious it’s infuriating and you seem to be magnetized towards his aura even though it feels almost sinful.

~You look at her and wonder if she’ll ever know that she is more than all consuming sadness; that she is simply a complexity of poems and colors. Those eyes, you look into those green eyes and you see so much caring. You get a little sad and often wonder why she cares too much at times. It’s because it helps her cope but you just want to help her realize that caring for herself comes before all others. That she is worth more than what she has been shown. Sometimes you’ll reach out and brush the few blonde strands that never seem to stay down and you forget that she’s older. You nurture her because she was your favorite long before she knew.

~He used to be your everything; you don’t know when that changed. You know you made mistakes, you think about it everyday damn day. But you also know that behind that pretty facade you never felt comfortable. In fact, part of you was a little afraid. He had this way of judging people based on one little flaw, and you loathed it. You never spoke up and you feared he would turn on you. But you made the mistake, and you ended things in fear. As you got happy without him he came from the shadows and tried to tell you who you really are. But you didn’t let him. No matter how beautiful he could be he ruined it all with his ugly personality. And sadly it all went to ashes. You lost the love, and the hate flowed through.

~She’s getting so big, and you’re missing out on it all. She’s already started her first steps, first words, first tooth and soon her first birthday. She looks just like your younger sister and it’s like you’re watching her grow up all over again. All you can do is watch from a phone screen and hear the shrill giggles escape through the speaker. You ache just thinking about how much of her life you’re going to miss out on because she’s miles away.

~He’s the big brother you always wanted but never had. You never thought someone this cool would call you a friend. You’re beyond thankful for his real advice and his loyal attitude. The guy you know you can call at 3 am and he’ll be there before you can even say bye; and yet he never asks for anything in return. You just want him to know that you have his back just as he has yours. And you’re glad you’ve got someone to protect you when it’s needed the most. He never fails to bring warmth into your life and won’t give up on you when everyone else does. You didn’t think someone could become family so quickly but you can’t help but think it was meant to be.

~She has this really loud laugh, it starts off has high pitched giggles and ends with a throaty chuckle. People tell her that her view of the world is something meaningful but she just assumes everyone thinks the same way. She quite honestly thinks she’s average and she’s content with that. She likes to think that she is a good person despite past mistakes. Above all else that’s what she holds on to. When she’s concentrating on updating her blog sometimes she’ll unconsciously stick out her tongue while she types, a quirk that people love to point out. She likes to walk on her tiptoes so she feels a few inches taller than her 5 feet stature; making her appear even smaller and younger. She’s still learning how to navigate this world, and she’s getting a little better each day.