Quick disclaimer: if you know me and you have explicit instructions to never get on my page again (you know who the fuck you are, so why the fuck are you here?) Don’t you even dare read this post and once again might I ask, why the fuck are you here?
To the rest of you, happy reading 🙂
Bad habits are hard to shake man, and mine are making an infamous comeback.
It’s all so dense, so compacted into these last couple of months. One scandal after the other all involving me in some headache inducing way. And I haven’t properly said my feelings on the matter, which is leading me to fall back into these habits. These modes of self destruction.
So I will be honest here, in my little safe haven with all of you. I have to remind myself that my feelings are valid.
- Ever since I found out about the infamous sex scandal that occurred behind my back, I cannot stop comparing myself to the other girl. Big spoiler, lost my virginity to my now ex significant other so you know, doesn’t really help the self esteem. We agreed to not have sex again for awhile so instead he got it from some other chick. And not to be a total bitch or put down a fellow girl, but oh my gosh I have never disliked a girl in my entire life. I have never wanted to call another girl a whore but here we are. I see her all the time too, she gets a pass for this kind of shit. She gave me a weak ass apology and I wanted to slap her clear across the face because in that moment I realized she wasn’t actually sorry, she just wanted to clear her guilty mind. So here I am still wondering why I wasn’t good enough, why he had to go off with someone else–why he wasn’t thinking of me and my feelings that night.
- What’s crazy is that I forgave him, because I’m an idiot. OK, not an idiot per say, but just way too forgiving. I thought about the many stories you hear of resilient women that take back unfaithful men, how strong they are to stand by those that wrong them. Not because they are pushovers, but because they are proving a point; women are ethereal beings that deserve all the respect and honor you can give–be grateful for the mercy they give to some of you punks. And it wasn’t like he didn’t care afterwards, he still can’t look me in the eyes when we talk. In a way it proves to me that he’s regretful, so I forgave but best believe I will never forget.
- But now he’s my ex, and that wasn’t entirely my choice. Things got very bad very quickly and he was barely taking care of himself so I needed to step back and encourage him to do so. I miss him. Hasn’t even been a week and I miss being with him, like a lot. Seeing him everyday doesn’t help all that much, makes me even more regretful. He’s stopped by to check on me, which is actually very sweet; he knows that I miss him. Teases me about it actually, playful banter ensues and those are the moments that I’d wish he’d just shut up and kiss me. Because why the fuck are we pushing aside our wants just because of other people’s opinions? Wait, pause. This is when I get mad at myself, I can’t assume that he wants me too. I know that he cares about me still, but I can’t assume that he wants to give it another go–that’s selfish. I think this is the closest thing to love I’ve felt, or it might actually be it. But, I feel like I sound obsessive and whiny and it grosses me out. So I’ll end this tangent on that note.
- This one…this one is really hard to type out. I know she’s trying to help, be a good friend and all that and I appreciate it immensely. But there is this feeling of dread that is just mounting within me. Because I know how easily it is to fall back into attraction with that boy, heck I’m still in that boat. It would absolutely crush me if something happened. I know I’m not one to talk but like, wouldn’t you feel the same? Picture this, you and your friend both confessed that you like this boy and the boy flirts with her but in the end chooses to be with you. A very crappy situation but you two go through several rough patches before coming out with an OK friendship once gain; but then you find out that the boy slept with someone else, and for days he only talks to her and others you know. Imagine that? You have to ask ANOTHER girl for updates on your supposed boyfriend, a girl that once showed attraction towards him and vice versa. So now you’re broken up and guess fucking what? He is still corresponding with her, they have late night chats where he’s confessing and confiding. You see them in class and she’s stroking his arm comforting him. He’s giving her small smiles and laughs that you miss so damn much, but can barely meet your eyes when you offer him kindness. And you feel so stupid for being jealous or resentful, but how can you not? It’s not jealousy really because your mother always told you that jealousy is ugly–it’s fear of betrayal. It’s because both of these people have broken your trust to a certain degree once in the past so putting the two together doesn’t exactly make you feel warm and fuzzy. Oh god, if something did happen I just…I don’t know how I would put myself back together afterwards.
I needed to let that out before it started to manifest into something worst. I want to be happy, consistently and without barriers walling me in. I think letting all of those thoughts out is the first step to achieving said happiness. So if you took the time to read, thank you very much.