Am I pathetic? Am I simply the starry-eyed girl that everyone thinks plays with fire in her free time but really has hands colder than the ice caps themselves? Or am I more, am I worth more?
In those hushed moments there are profound instances of care and wonder between us, the moments where we fit. We simply make sense. But I feel a poison, an infestation killing off the connect between the logical and emotional–leaving me with a nauseating headache and more breakdowns than I can count.
I want to believe in this, I chose this–I can’t walk away. Although I have been given reasons to time and time again. I feel like no one is truly on my side (they may say they’re supportive but I feel utterly alone) or wants to bother with me at this point. Is this how my life will always lead? Making mistakes I must pay for as they are shielded by what appears to be my immense happiness.
This is what I was afraid of–being too comfortable, too giving. Not receiving the same understanding back. But he does understand, he does. Sometimes I see the flicker of knowing in his eyes when the sly grin disappears from his face, and we make sense.
But sometimes is not always, and I’m tired of inconsistencies in my life–my body is breaking down and I can no longer take it.
I am tired, so very very tired. But I cannot look away.