first.

first

I think there is a twisted beauty in a person’s first heartbreak. The cliche angst filled words coming from a teenage mind is familiar in the sense that we expect it; we’ve grown accustomed to the toxic metaphors and cheap similes that fill a tear stained keyboard or piece of paper. But, as I sit here writing my very own prose–I cannot find this twisted beauty anywhere. Because no matter how intricate and detailed you try to make it sound, it doesn’t prepare you for the heavy chest and shortening of breath. Nothing prepares you for this ache that resides in every inch of your body.

You hurt me. Plain and simple, no elaborate description behind it. You lied to me, you lied to her, you lied to everyone; the one thing that plays over and over in my mind is the fact that in 24 hours it all changed. We went from laughing in my living room, to me being told that the whole time you were with me–you were thinking of her.

And you know what hurts even more? I thought that she was the “other girl” when the whole fucking time it was me. You promised her the moon and stars and simply recycled the same leftover lines for me–oh a cliche metaphor, how original of me. But, that’s what you did; you gave her “I love you’s” and me, “someday”.

But what I really need from you is closure. I need you to explain why you lied when I told you that night in a hushed whisper that that was my greatest fear, to have someone make so many promises but deny making them at all. I need to know why you looked at me the way you did and made me feel like I had the galaxy spinning on my fingertips. I need to know why you let me waste a word count filled with the thoughts that floated around in my head about you.

I know she is getting these answers from you, I know that right now–at this very minute– you are calling her your “baby girl” and begging for her to give you another chance. I know you’re calling me the “desperate one” and lying right to her, and maybe she’ll believe you. For her sake, I hope she doesn’t.

I had to be the bigger person though didn’t I? Instead of making you apologize 100 times like she is, I simply forgave but I will never forget. Well, maybe not never because as much as this pain feels like it will last forever I know that someday it will stop. So, I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m going to take it one day at a time and find what I’m looking for as well.

 

 

 

 

Update on Exodus: I haven’t posted anything new because guess what? I’m in the works of converting it into a short film for you guys! Really excited! As you can see  from this post, things didn’t work out–it hurts a ton but I’m going to make it though. Happy reading 

-One girl

 

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